I’m worried they won’t like my book Terry, I feel so nervous, so anxious, what if they don’t like my book.
But you’ve not even finished writing it.
I know, but I’m worried they won’t like it, that it won’t be any good.
Why don’t you at least finish it first, then worry about it.
I know, that’s what I tell myself, but I can’t, I’m worried now about it-
But you’ll only get yourself all worked up over nothing. Finish it, then I’ll read it and see what I think. I like what you’ve written so far, and then we can think about where to send it, who might be interested in it.
But what if they don’t like it, what will I do?
But they might like it, and you’d have worried all for nothing.
Terry, have you forgotten what we’re trying to do? We’re trying to express our bad feelings. I’m trying to talk to you about my feeling worried. I can’t help it if I’m feeling worried now, it’s what I’m feeling. And I might or might not feel worried when I’ve finished the book, but the important thing is that I feel worried now, and so I’ve got to talk about these feelings.
I know love, but still I don’t see why you’re so worried when you’re not even half way through it. I think you should at least finish it, see if you can finish it, and not worry about trying to get it published or anything like that, not until you have something fully completed, something real, a full product you can sell to them.
Terry that’s all your business talk, and I’m not interested in that. You can do all that if I ever finish it. I’m worried now, and that’s what’s important, not whether or not I finish the book. So would you shut up and let me talk about my worries.
Yeah, yeah, okay, sure go on talk about it.
Now you don’t sound like you want me to talk about it. Do you want me to talk about it or not?
Yes, I do! So talk about it would you.
What’s wrong with you Terry, why are angry with me, I haven’t done anything wrong. What’s your problem Terry, I don’t want to talk about my worries if you’re not there really wanting to listen to me.
Yeah, yeah, I am angry, but you talk about your worries, I’ll listen.
But you don’t really want to, do you, so I don’t want to tell you. I need you to be open to me, willing to listen to me. And now I’m getting angry, because you should talk about your anger, and I feel I now I have to put my worries aside because you’re angry. And it’s not fair, as soon as I feel bad, you then feel bad and you take over, and I have to listen to you.
I’m not angry, just talk about your bloody worries would you. I’m here aren’t I, and I’m listening, so talk!
You’re not listening, you can’t listen when you’re angry. I know I can’t, and I don’t think you can. You need to talk about why you’re angry, and it seems to me that you’re miffed that I didn’t agree with you about what you said, that I should not worry... it seems like you’re feeling rejected by me for not agreeing with you, am I right?
I don’t know. Yeah, you’re probably right, you always seem to be about such things. But you talk about your worries, I feel better about it now, I don’t want to take over as you said, you talk and I’ll talk about my stuff after.
All right. I’m worried about my book not being any good. What if they don’t like it, what if it’s rejected and no one wants it, what will I do?
Why don’t you wait until them.
Terry will you shut up and let me express my bad feelings! I’m not actually asking you a question, I don’t want you to answer it, I’m just saying that as part of my feeling expression. I want to see what’s causing my worry, and it’s nothing about the actual book, that’s just keying unconsciously into something in my past - remember? And I want to use these worry feelings now to take me back to when I was worried, when I had the same feelings when I was young - remember? So would you let me! So stop trying to stop me, you’re trying to solve my problem, remember how we read that’s such a big temptation, to solve the problem so you no longer have any reason to feel bad. But I want to feel bad, I want my worry feelings and you have no right trying to take them from me, as that’s what it feels like you’re trying to do, take them away from me to stop me feeling worried. Well I want to worry and worry as much as I feel to, and I want to uncover the truth of my worry feelings, see what they are wanting me to see about myself and my relationship with mum and dad or whomever it is. So do you mind just allowing me to get on with it, is that all right with you?
Oh all right then, go on, talk about it.
I’m scared, scared, I feel so scared, so anxious, I’m so nervous, worried, worried, worried, so worried, I feel sick from the worry, and I’ve felt like this so many times before. It’s when something is expected of me, they are expecting a good book, one they will want to publish; but what if it’s not good, and they get angry with me for wasting their time. I don’t want to waste their time, be a bother and a nuisance to them, put them out, make them have to go to a lot of trouble for me; and what if they don’t like it, and all the time and money and effort they put into it is wasted. I’m scared they will then not want to have anything to do with me. They won’t want me to show them anything else. If they don’t like it the first time, then they will not want me again, that’s what I’m really scared about. I have to make a good first impression, I have to get it right, make it so they like me, and then they’ll want me, and then I’ll feel good. I need them to accept me, and what if they don’t, what if they don’t want me, and I don’t want to feel rejected. I hate feeling rejected, they will say they don’t like me, and they won’t want me. Oh I feel so terribly scared, and I don’t know what to do. I always get to this point whenever I’m doing anything new and it depends on the other person liking it, when I’m doing it for them. I feel such a pressure on me, such a responsibility, and what if I’m no good, what if I’m a failure, if I’m a no-good writer. Being a writer is something I’ve always dreamed of, but I’ve never been able to go past this point, because what if they say no, and they don’t like how I write or my story or they don’t like me, then what will I do. Then I won’t have anything in life, I won’t know what to do, I won’t be anyone, you know, I won’t be able to say I’m a writer-
And why is it so important that you have to say you’re a writer?
Because that then means I am someone, you know, someone important, someone that people can say, wow, she’s a writer, and that’s what I want them to say. I’ve never felt like I am someone, like I am important, and if I’m a writer, then I will be someone, I’ll be important.
And being important is so important - why?
Because you have to be important, you have to be someone, if you’re not... well, if you’re not important, then you’re no one, and you’ve got to be someone.
Good Terry! Now I feel like you’re with me again in it, these are good questions, I can feel they are helping me go further and deeper into myself. I’ve never talked about any of this stuff with anyone, but I’ve wanted to, it’s always been there.
I’ve got to be someone, that’s what mum and dad always said, that you’ve got to make something of yourself in life, you’ve got to be someone, you can’t just be no one, nothing good happens for no ones. So I’ve got to be someone, be important so I’ll be successful. You know Terry, I’ve always had this secret dream, I’ve never told anyone about it, but I dream of being very successful, a top writer, someone everyone will love, and I’ll be famous, you know, a huge best seller and having my work translated into every language-
Yes, but that’s what every writer dreams of, you wouldn’t do it if you didn’t think you were going to be successful at it.
No, you don’t understand, it’s more than that Terry, it’s as if I am already that, only I’m just sort of waiting to be discovered. I’m already a best seller-
But you’ve never even had anything published before.
Yes I know, but that’s my dream, a fantasy, yes, it’s only a fantasy, but I secretly think that I’m already ‘discovered’ and published and all the critics love me, and... and I know it’s all childish Terry, but I’ve always thought that. I used to write stories for school and mum, and she said she loved them, and that I was really very talented, and that I would be a best selling author when I grew up, and I think that’s where all of this comes from. I think I believed her and in a way it’s as if I already am that person, only of course I’m not, and I’m too scared to find out if I might or could become that dream person. So do you see what I mean, why I feel so anxious, why I feel so scared, this the truth of it I reckon, I have been longing to see the truth and this feels right. That it’s all because of what mum said, and that coupled with them saying I’ve got to be someone in life, well I think I already are someone, yes, and all because mum said she loved what I wrote... But what if other people, the publisher, isn’t like mum, and doesn’t like what I write... And yes, I can see now that’s what I want, I want him to be like mum was, and say, ‘Yes Ann that’s wonderful, you are such a good writer, we will publish everything you write and you’ll be an instant success.’ That’s what I want, and I’m scared it’s not going to happen.
It would be a long shot if it did. That hardly ever happens to anyone from what I’ve heard, it’s very difficult to get your work accepted; and with everyone putting there stuff on the Internet, there’s just so much around, everyone has a book they’ve written.
Yes I know, and I don’t care about any of that, I’m only interested in my feelings Terry. I don’t actually even care if I am accepted by a publisher or not, I mean it would be a dream come true, but realistically I don’t think I’m much good-
I think what you write is great, I think you’ve got a lot of potential, it’s always gripping what I read of yours.
Thank you Terry, and that’s nice of you, but... anyway, I won’t be holding my breath about it.
How do you feel now, you’re worries, do you still feel worried?
Yes a little.
Then do you think you should keep talking about them, there might be more you can uncover about yourself.
Terry, I can’t tell you how much I like you when you are like this. This is the Terry I like, when you’re so supportive, encouraging me to talk more about what I feel knowing that’s what is important and what we’re wanting to do for each other. That other Terry that doesn’t want to listen, that makes me feel unwanted, I hate you when you’re like that. I so much need you to be going along with me, open to me, supporting and encouraging me to talk, because if you don’t, then I don’t feel like talking, then I feel more alone, and that no one wants me to talk. Then I feel you’re like my father telling me to be quiet, that he’s had enough of me, that he doesn’t want to hear the sound of my voice.
He said those things to you?
Yes, I remember when I was young. He didn’t like us children making a lot of noise, he’d be very stern and angry with us, and I felt so scared of him when he was like that, and I hated him. I liked and loved him when he was kind and gentle with us, when he enjoyed us talking, which thankfully was more than the other from what I remember.
Yes, well I can understand that then when I am like him - why it makes you feel bad.
Yes, it does, I feel very bad, very scared and very alone. And I hate feeling like I don’t have anyone in the world, that I’m all alone, and no one wants to be with me, no one wants to listen to me, on one wants me to speak. I think I hate that more than anything, feeling like I can’t speak, that I can’t just be how I want to be, talk when I want to talk. That makes me feel so bad, so bad, and so scared, because then I worry that what if no one ever wants to hear me talk, what if there is never anyone there for me; yes, that’s what it amounts to, what if no one is there for me, no one cares about and wants and loves me, that is very scary Terry - you know, feeling like what if no one loves you, that you are all alone in the world, all by yourself. When dad had been mean to me and I was sent to my room, that’s how I felt, that I was all alone, lying there on my bed, and no one liked me, no one loved me, so utterly alone, and so scared being so alone. Because what would happen to me, what would I do, what would I do if no one loved me or wanted me or liked me or wanted me to be there with them and talk to them. I think we all need to talk and to feel the other person is wanting us to talk. It’s no good if you just talk but no one is there wanting you to talk, if they don’t want to listen. Then you’re just talking to the wall, to no one, they may as well not be there, so we all need someone to be there for us, to listen to us, so we can share ourselves, so we can tell them all we are feeling and thinking; and so we do feel like we’re wanted, needed, yes, that the other person, mum and dad to begin with, do want and need you. Yes, Terry, I think feeling needed, really feeling like you’re needed is so important, because then you feel important, and I think that’s what I want, what I really want from the publisher, for them to need me, to really show me they want me, so they make me feel wanted and that I’m important to them in their life. And I want that from you too Terry, and that’s how you make me feel when you are truly listening and wanting me to tell you all I’m feeling. You make me feel like you want me, that I am important to you, that you need me, and that makes me feel good, because then I don’t feel alone.
I think we all need to feel we’re wanted and needed like you’re saying.
Yes, but how many people feel that way, and so many people from what I can see think they are showing they want the other person but they are only using them for their own ends, they don’t genuinely want them. And so many people say they feel so loved and needed by their partner, but do they? That I wonder about because it sure doesn’t seem like it when they are with their partner, how their partner treats them and how they relate to their partner, sometimes I wonder if they are actually not worlds apart and for some strange reason just living together in their fantasies.
I’m sure you right, I think a lot of people live in their fantasies in their relationships together. I think I do too to some degree. You’re helping me wake up to that, making me have to face the truth that I live a lot of my life in fantasy-land. And I think that was why I was angry with you earlier, why I did feel like you were rejecting me, because I did feel you were rejecting me, and it’s like what you’ve been saying, that you didn’t make me feel important by accepting what I was saying, and agreeing with me, and saying yes Terry you’re right, I should complete the book first and then I’ll have something tangible to deal with, something real to offer the publisher. I know some authors submit only the first few chapters and if the publisher likes it then write the rest, but I don’t know, you’d have to be pretty good to do that or just be so full of yourself that you could pull it off. Or just see if you’ve got any talent before you spend all your time writing the whole thing, yeah, I could understand that.
Terry, who are talking too?
You, what do you mean, I’m talking to you.
No you’re not Terry, you’ve gone off like you often do, off on your own little journey, but you’ve left me behind, you’re not taking me along with you. You’re just talking to yourself about how you see it all, talking merrily away about how you think it all is, and I’m not interested in that, in what other people do and why they do it. So I feel you’ve left me Terry, and then I start to feel alone again and those horrible feelings I was just talking about.
Oh, sorry love, I didn’t meant too... I was only thinking, yeah, thinking out loud I guess. Ha, off in my own little fantasy-world. God I can’t believe I was just saying that’s what I do and then did it!
Yes well if that’s the case then you should think to yourself, I don’t need to know all of that stuff.
But aren’t we meant to talk about all we feel and all we think?
Yes, but together Terry, you’ve got to include me, bring me along with you, if you want to say all you think and feel. I am not just a listener, someone who is under contract to you and so someone who is always readily available for you to talk all you think and feel to. It’s about us being together in our relationship together, and it’s two way: I speak to you and you want to listen to me. And we’re in it together, you are really listening to what I am saying and you show that by what you say; and I can see you are paying attention to all I’m saying, and then I do the same for you. But when you go off like that talking about your business ideas of what people might do, you’ve left me and are only using me as a listening machine, for you’re not really talking to anyone, you’re talking with yourself, not including me. You are not reaching out and connecting with me, joining up with me, or wanting me to join with you. You are keeping me out, you don’t want me with you, you are off in your little dream-world trying to work out what other people are doing. Can you see what I mean? Do you understand what I’m trying to get at? And like this now, I’m reaching out to you asking you these questions, I want to you understand and be with me in what I’m saying to you, so I ask you, you didn’t do that to me when you were talking about why someone might only write part of their book and submit it before they write the rest, you were just talking to yourself not wanting us to stay connected. Can you see it?
Yeah, sort of, I think I know what you’re saying. It’s certainly knew for me and I do know that I tend to go off down my own track thinking about things, getting sidetracked with other thoughts, but I’ve not seen it in that light before.
So Terry, why do you think you do that?
Oh god Ann, I don’t know, I just do it. I’m interested in it, mostly from a business point of view, that’s why. I like working out the business side of it, how people think and do things.
Why? What do you hope to get out of it?
Well, I don’t know... Hmm, business ideas I think, you know, it helps me to understand how other people do business and then I think that will help me.
And does it?
Hmm... Jeez Ann, when you ask me these questions, I think I have the answer, that it’s obvious, but as soon as I try and talk about it, I can’t, I go blank. No one has ever asked me such things before, not even myself!
So does it help me, help me what...? - do better business, be a better business man, I don’t honestly know... no, I don’t think so actually. But I like to know how things work, you know, why people do things they way they do.
But you don’t actually know why they do them the way they do, you’re only making it up, you’re not them, or there asking them why they are doing it that way, so you can’t really know.
No, you’re right, I’m not, and yes I do just make it all up for myself.
It sounds like that’s one of your fantasies Terry, you’re off in your mind dreaming away about how everyone else does their business.
Yes, I think you’re right, and I have to admit it. And you know, that reminds me of dad, he was always telling me about this business deals and... and you know, shit I think I’ve picked it up from him; yes, he was always talking about what everyone else was doing and saying why they were doing it. And I could see what he meant and thought he was right. But shit Ann, now I can see that he was only doing what I do, he didn’t know, because as you said, how could he, you can’t know what someone else is thinking and feeling unless possibly you know them very well, and even then...
Gee fancy that, how amazing, yes the more I think about it, the more I can see I do what dad did, and he was just making it all up like I am, I’ve just taken it on from him. Gee, yes, I can see it so clearly, you just never know what is going to come up in this feeling expression stuff, do you?
And see Terry, you’re asking me, ‘Do you?’, that is you coming back to me, you were in yourself thinking about all that to do with your dad, but now you’ve come back and joined up with me, that which I was talking about before, and that makes me feel really good, because you’ve not just carried on again all by yourself off in your own mind, you’re back with me and we’re together again, as you’re wanting me to join back in with you. And it just happens naturally when you feel you want it to happen, that much I’m beginning to see. And yes, I agree with what you’re saying that you don’t know, and that’s what I find is so exciting about it, it’s certainly never dull, that’s for sure.
No, and you know what else Annie?
I didn’t long for the truth, I didn’t stop and long, but the truth still came up in me.
I know, I’ve been experiencing that myself, and I think that’s because we just want it, we’re committed to it. I still think we should keep longing as often as we can though, when we feel like it, but it’s good to know that if you are determined to uncover the truth, then it comes if you do keep expressing all you feel. I guess it’s more your intention, what you desire in life is that drives it, and so as we both want to live this way, so our lives support us in it. And that makes me feel good, as if there is something else, some other part of me that is on my side and helping me.
It’s the ‘Universe’ Annie, you know, like all that self-help stuff you went through. You know, ‘you put it out there’ and it comes back to you how you want it to.
You mean all that stuff about positive thinking, and putting out positive thoughts attracts good things to you.
Yeah, that sort of stuff.
Yes but Terry, that’s all to help you stop feeling bad, and I don’t want to do that.
Yeah, but there must be something to it...
Well Terry, you can think about in your own time, because I’m not interested in it. You can go away and apply that great business mind of yours when you’re driving around visiting your clients.
Yeah, good idea, a new theory I can work out and come up with!
Yes, something for you to present at your annual meeting with all your board of directors.
Yeah right, with Rod you mean down the pub. At least he is always willing to listen to my bright ideas!