Terry, I can’t bear your snorting. I hate it. It’s such a disgusting noise.
You’ve never said anything about it before, and I can’t help it, my nose is always blocked.
I know it’s always blocked and I’ve always felt sorry for you, but I can’t stand it, it’s gross! I hate it, why don’t you blow it or something.
I can’t do that, it doesn’t work, it never clears it and only makes it worse. But I’ll try not to do it if it bothers you that much.
No Terry, as we know, you are not to stop being how you want to be just because I say I don’t like something about you or something you do. You don’t really want to stop doing it because if you did you’d stop yourself, so you want to keep doing it and so keep doing it, but I still need to be free to keep saying how much I hate the noise. And as we’ve seen so many times now, things we’ve both hated, having expressed all our bad feelings about them and seen why we hate them and how it all relates back to our early childhood, we’ve stopped hating it, even liking it at times. I can’t see that I’d ever like your snorting, but... you never know, that much we’ve slowly been able to see about all of this feeling acceptance and feeling expression stuff.
Yeah all right. I’ll snort away merrily giving you the shits and you can yell and scream about how much you hate it.
Good, that’s right, we are both to be free to express all we feel. And as we’ve agreed to do this feeling-healing thing, agreeing to work with each other and to allow each other to be free to express every feeling we feel, so we can, no matter how horrible it is. And when I complain and say I hate you snorting, I’m not saying that I hate you Terry, I’m just hating that noise, it’s not a personal criticism of you. I know your nose is stuffed having been hit by the cricket ball when you were young, you’ve told me about that many times, but still I hate the noise.
All right then, so what do you hate about it - why do you hate the nose?
It’s so gross, like a pig snorting or something like that. And now that you’ve asked me that, why do I hate it, actually, I don’t know - I just hate that noise! It grates on me, it’s jarring... it... actually, it scares me; yes, I’d not have thought that, but it does, it makes me feel scared.
Why does it scare you?
It reminds me of dad making similar noises when he was in the bathroom in the mornings, yes, I’d forgotten about those noises. He’d snort and clear his throat and spit, and yuk, I never saw him doing it but when he got up early before us I could hear him, and yuk it was a horrible noise, like some scary monster was in the bathroom. Yuk, I hated it, I’d have to hide under the blankets, put my head under the pillow but still you could hear it, it made me feel sick.
Why did he do it, do you know?
No, I’ve never thought about it and no one ever said anything about it. It was probably because he smoked so much, and he was clearing his throat after waking up, all that slime, all that yuk, oh it’s so revolting, I can’t bear it. And that’s what happens when you do it, I imagine all the slime and snot in my mind and yuk, I can’t bear it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate the noise...
Well, why are you stopping, surely you must have more bad feelings to express?
Nup, they’ve all gone. I think by you not fighting me, just allowing me to be free to say what I feel when I want to is enough, enough for now at any rate.
One year later
I’m sorry Ann, snorting again.
No that’s all right Terry, you can’t help it, and you know, it doesn’t bother me. It hasn’t bothered me lately. All those times I’ve said how much I hate it, but now- nothing. I hardly am aware that you’re doing it.
But don’t you hate the noise still?
No. I don’t like it as a noise and I’d rather not have it, but I don’t hate it, I don’t have those feelings I used to have about it.
So why do you think that is, what’s changed in you?
I think it’s because you’ve become more aware of it yourself. Now you say sorry, which you no longer need to do, by the way. I did want you to say sorry for making such a horrible noise, but as you’ve become more aware of it, and as you hardly do it anymore anyway, so it doesn’t bother me.
And that’s a point, I think it is because you are aware of it now. You used to just do it not even aware that you did it, it was just a habit. And that’s what I didn’t like, or part of it. You were unaware that you were making this horrible noise. But as you’ve allowed me to say all I feel about it, say all my horrible things to you Terry, telling you how I hate you doing it and how revolting you are, so I must have got it all off my chest, brought it all out, all that was making me hate it and hate you for doing it.
I can see it’s the more you’ve accepted yourself and become more aware of me, aware that you’re doing something which you can’t help but still something that I don’t like, and you’re respecting me and considering me by saying you’re sorry and things like that, instead of just snorting away not caring about how it might be making me feel, I think that’s what’s changed, in you and my accepting you too.
So isn’t that one of those amazing things, something I used to hate so much, now it doesn’t bother me at all. And I think also as I’ve been able to loosen up and be freer in myself, you don’t mind me burping and farting and making my coughing noises, all things we were not allowed to do in our family, all things mum and dad hated, ‘it wasn’t lady-like’ to burp and fart and clear your throat. But as you don’t care, even enjoying all the noises being the boy that you are, so that’s helped me too. Because if I can make those noises, then why can’t you!
Yes, you are much more expressive of all those bodily noises aren’t you. And you never farted, surely you must have farted when you were young, shit everyone farts don’t they, how could you have held it all in?
I don’t know, but we didn’t fart.
What about Brian and Matthew, they must have?
They did when we were all alone without mum and dad, but I didn’t. I couldn’t. I believed them, it was what a young lady does, and I wanted to be a lady, god I thought being a lady was all so very important. How to hold yourself, back straight, head up, no slouching, no scuffing your feet, walking in a straight line, feet straight not splayed out like a duck. And my hair always long had to be tied back perfectly in its pig-tail, which took forever to brush and mum had to make it every morning before I went off to school. And so I didn’t fart, it was too gross, boys did that, not young ladies.
You must have saved them all up or something and done them at night while you slept.
Possibly, I don’t know. I just didn’t do it, it wasn’t what you did. Mum and dad never did it.
But now you do it! And all those loud noises, you fart now like a trooper!
Yes, and I’m rather proud of my noises Terry and I’m glad that you appreciate them. So you see, there’s more to it than just expressing all your feelings, it’s really expressing the whole of yourself how you feel to, without any restrictions.
Yeah I know, to not be allowed to fart, shit that’s heavy control, I would never be able to stop it, to hold them in, god I can’t believe that you didn’t at least feel them coming and then stop them somehow.
No, nothing, never wanted to so far as I can remember. It’s not been until being with you and even recently that I’ve started to allow myself to do it, and look at how many I do! So it shows you just how much you can control yourself if you want to. To be able to stop myself not even having farts, or I might have had them as you said and somehow saved them all up until I was asleep, I don’t know, but it is incredible just how controlled and controlling we are, over ourselves and other people.
And do you feel bad about your mum and dad not allowing you to fart?
No, not now, but I see what you mean, I should, shouldn’t I. I should be very angry, to stop me, to control me like that, and all that having to be lady-like shit. Shit I remember starting to allow myself to swear, I was eighteen and working at my first job and living in a share house. I learnt it from the other girls, they were always swearing and I didn’t want them to think I was strange so I started to do it. And I was so scared at first, which now I can see was scared that mum and dad would punish me, but once that passed then I loved doing it, I was one of the worst. I’ve calmed down a lot since then.
You hardly ever swear now Ann.
I know, I must be reverting back to how I was when I was young.
Yeah but your farting it coming along nicely, you’re becoming very musical, and all that rhythm. You’re quite talented - latent, but it’s coming along nicely. I think it’s that it’s the truth, you were putting on the swearing to impress those other girls, but now you don’t need to do that so you don’t need to swear as part of expressing yourself. Whereas with your farting, it’s natural, and as you held yourself in such check, you’ve had to free that natural part of yourself so you’re doing it more - that’s what I think anyway.
You might be right Terry. Anyway I don’t control my farts, if they are there and come I just do them. I do enjoy pushing them out, that much I know, and I no longer feel the need to swear. I guess I can express myself or articulate myself without needing to use those words. And I think a lot of people, as I did with those girls, swear to make themselves feel more powerful, you know, it all being part of ones package of trying to cover over ones feeling so powerless. So swearing, smoking, drinking, taking drugs, it’s all the same thing, having to pretend you’re something you’re not, be tougher than you are, all because you don’t feel tough at all but can’t say so. None of us can admit that we’re scared, that we’re nothing, powerless, useless people, we’ve all got to put on the show that we’re something and someone, someone greater than we are.
Yes, like all the things I do to bolster myself.
Yes, but at least Terry you’re becoming more aware of why you do them, and that’s the most important part, even more important I think than whether you give them up or not. It is all about the truth Terry, why we do what we do, why we say what we do and think and behave and all of that, everything about us. That much I know now.
And following along this line of discussion, there is something else I’ve been wanting to tell you of late Terry, something about myself that’s changing.
Yeah, what’s that?
I’ve decided that I’m no longer going to the hairdresser, nor am I going to ware any makeup. It’s all the same thing, a front, my need to pretend I’m someone else, all because I don’t feel I’m acceptable as I am. But as you don’t seem to care Terry, you seem to accept me in my ugliness, so I’m no longer going to keep doing all those false things. And I’ll save a lot of money too.
I like you being natural Ann.
I know Terry, you’ve always said that right from the start. So who am I trying to impress, that’s what I would like to know. Do I seriously think that Mr Right is going to come waltzing into my life sweeping me off my feet, but if he sees me without makeup and without my hair done he’ll say yuk, and go onto the next girl. And if He’s going to be like that, well fuck him - see there Terry, I can still swear when I have to - as I wouldn’t want him anyway.
No Terry it’s all the same thing, for my own vanity, but what’s that, all because deeper down within me I think, even believe, that I’m ugly, that I’m not acceptable as I am - the real and true God-made self. So I have to change myself, make myself be acceptable, pass myself off so the men, because that’s only who it’s for ultimately, will want me. Because if no man wants me I’m sunk, doomed to become some old smelly spinster, childless, a failure, couldn’t get the man, was not attractive to a man - to any man, and fuck me, do I really want to by into all of that shit anymore. That’s all mum’s shit and she passed all of that onto me, that’s something I’m waking up to more. And no, I’ve got you Terry, and you like me warts and farts and all. And as my farts don’t stink, not like yours Terry, so I’m still reasonably attractive, so all that other stuff and go and get fucked.
I might like you even more if your farts did stink.
That’s true, you might, so there you go, why am I trying to keep myself looking like the princess waiting for her knight in shinning armour, when fuck it Terry, I’m getting older, the wrinkles and my hair will start to get grey... and... and do I want to keep pretending that I’m still sixteen. My tits are sagging, my bum drooping and I’ve not even had children, so what’s going to happen if I have them, god I hate to think.
But it’s all natural Ann, and that’s something I’m beginning to appreciate and like even more - all what’s natural, not what’s false and a put-on, just a show as you say. God you don’t have to pretend for me. I’d far rather you be all saggy and droopy, and besides, I think older women are far more sexy, you know, they’ve lived more life compared to some young girl who all she’s got is her firm body.
You wait Terry, you’ll be wanting to rush back to being with one of those sexy young blondes when all my hairs start to grow on my face, when I’ve got a better beard than you have. I don’t think I’ll be able to stop plucking them just yet.
Then I’ll stop shaving and we can be cave man and cave woman, grunting around, snorting and farting, we’ll be a real treat for the neighbours, right into the natural way of expressing ourselves. And we can take all our clothes off, and everyone can see all your sagging and dropping and my belly that’s getting bigger and bigger; oh yes, we’ll be a real pleasure - a sight for sore eyes!
But you saying all of this Terry, it all helps me, because I know you’re serious in your acceptance of the natural me. If you weren’t as you are, I’d never be able to stop and give up doing these things. I’d not have the confidence, so I need you Terry, to be with me and on my side as I’ve said a million times before. But it all helps me, and so I want to thank you again; I feel for me to stop the makeup and going to the hairdressers is a huge step for me, it’s a huge change in me, to not have to worry about what colour and what style I should have next. Oh I can feel the sense of relief flooding through me now. No Terry, I definitely do not want to be false like that anymore, No - NO I DON’T! And you know, the thing is I can feel how wrong and false it is, that much I am sure about. I’ve never really known, but now I know for sure. And I can’t speak for anyone else, I don’t know about them, only myself and this is how it is for me - it’s all apart of my truth, how I want to live and express myself in life. In MY life, yes, that’s what it is Terry, not this other put-on life, a life someone else has said I should live. And that all gives me good feelings Terry, yes I feel so happy, like I’ve taken a big step, breaking out of my bondage, becoming something of the real and true person - you know - the real me. This is who I am Terry, me without all that stuff on my face, all my hair all done, I just want to be free to feel how I do want to have it, what really suits me, is me, is a true expression of me. I don’t even know if I want to keep it long or cut it all off, maybe be bald, I don’t know.
Well it’s all alright with me Annie. You can do what every want.
Oh thank you very much Great One for your blessing. I will do whatever I want, and I don’t need your approval. Because you know Terry, that’s another part of me that’s changing so much. I, as a woman, and you know I’m sure it applies to most women, if not all, always are looking for the approval of the man. So fuck that - no more! I only want to approve of myself. Yes Terry, I don’t need your approval, the approval of the man to justify my existence. No I don’t! I used to, I probably of course still do within me, I doubt I’d be able to give up that strong conditioning so easily, but that’s how I feel now. I now longer need the man! That’s what it is - I only need myself - the woman, myself, my true self, that’s all I want, just to be truly who I am.
Sounds good to me.
Ann does a big loud burp
It’s so good Terry being able to burp and fart and make all the noise I want to with someone else and not get told off about it. It’s so much better than being by yourself, that being the only time you can really be free to be yourself and do what you want - be as you please. To have a friend, and someone who doesn’t want to control you, tell you how you are to be, get angry or annoyed, someone you don’t have to be concerned about, always fearing you’ll upset them in some way... yes, not being disapproved of all the time. And to have no restrictions on you, we weren’t free at home, neither were you, you in your family or me in mine, with our parents always telling us how to be, we having to always follow the rules, it was all so controlling. A little child should be free, free to explore itself, to live life - its own life, how it wants to live, not always having to stop being how it wants to be having to be how its parents want it to be. I’m beginning to see that more clearly. The child has to be put first, with it being the most important one, not the parents, and if the parents feel they should be the most important then they shouldn’t have children. It all changes when you have a child, but it’s also not that the child then dominates telling and controlling the parents, they have to keep living true to themselves, but also be there for the child so it knows it can come to them and express itself freely, say whatever it likes without the fear of being told off. That’s how I would have liked mum and dad to have been, instead of all that controlling stuff they put on me.
And you know, I’ve been thinking that at least our parents did listen to us a little, enough obviously so we can do that for each other. But what about if you were someone who’s parents didn’t want to listen to you, had no time for you at all, were only concerned about themselves. What if you grew up feeling and believing that no one wanted to listen to you, no one cared about your feelings and what you were feeling. What if you felt totally alone unable to go to anyone - your parents, when you felt bad; you couldn’t say mummy or daddy I feel bad and they want you to tell them all about how you feel and without them taking over and trying to make you deny your feelings. We both got a bit of that, we got enough at least so we can demand each other to pay attention when we feel bad, and we know we are there for each other, we do want to listen to each other. But gee it would be hard if you didn’t have anyone when you were young, if it just wasn’t part of your pattern, it would so hard to bring yourself out, to express any feelings because you’d feel no one wanted you to. So you’d probably live locked away in your own little world, all alone with all your feelings going on but without you even believing there will be anyone ever there wanting to hear you say what you feel. I do feel sorry for those people.
Yes, I see what you mean Ann, I’d not thought of that. It makes me appreciate what we have even more, for as you say, at least we can speak to each other and we do want to know all the other person is feeling and thinking. I’ve been a bit tardy in that, and you’ve had to pull me up - you still do pull me up, as you know, but at least I’ve been able to see the error of my ways, where I’m trying to block and resist you and myself from expressing my bad feelings... But to not even be able to speak about them, to feel no one wants to know you... I suppose there are people who feel that way in the world... Yes that would be very hard. How would you even get going, you’d need someone else to see how fucked and isolated you were and for them to keep reaching in trying to pull you out. Ah, it’s too hard for me to think about, too much, it’s hard enough trying to do my own healing let alone worrying about how other people might be.
I agree Terry, but it does help you think more about other people and how it is for us, all this feeling stuff.
It does, yes.
Oh Terry, I’ve got all those good feelings again. It’s helping me feel just how lucky I am to have you, someone who is so willing to listen even if I have to pull you into line every now and again. And it also shows me just how important it is to have someone in your life who really does want to know you, someone you can be yourself with, go to when you feel bad and say it all, and someone who doesn’t try to stop you or tell you how to be or how to fix your problem - how to change yourself. Just to have someone who is there, open and willing to hear all you say, is non-judgemental, unconditional; that I think is really being unconditionally loving Terry, not all that mind stuff all those positive thinking people say unconditional love is. And it’s what all parents should be with their children, and Terry, if we ever decide to have children, it’s how I’d like us to be.
Try to be. Yes for sure. But as we’ve read, we can only be how we are, so I suppose we’d keep going wanting to work on ourselves as we are and them somehow include the child in it all with us.
Yes, it’s hard to know, but I suppose we’d just keep expressing all our bad feelings seeking the truth of them whilst trying to be there for our child. Anyway, as neither of us want to have children just yet, the more we work on ourselves the better or less negative influence we’d have on our child, and that much makes me feel good.
Only I’m beginning to think that maybe we should finish our healing before we have a child, as do we really want to subject a child to our shit. I don’t know about that, but there’s more there we will have to talk about.
Yes, but not now, I feel I’ve had enough for the moment, and I want to go and write some more. But thank you Terry, thank you for all the help you do give me.
And thank you too Ann.