Terry, you know what we were talking about the other day, about being a person who might not have had anyone in their early life who was willing to listen to them speak to them, well why I mentioned that was in part from Sherrill Bennett’s (fictitious) biography I’m reading, and the more I read the further I can see how she didn’t have any power in her early life with our parents, and so none in her adult life. She was a failure, useless, nothing person-
So why would anyone want to write a biography about her?
Because of that, to illustrate that she had nothing and why, it all coming from the influences of her parents, how dominating and controlling her parents were. And they were, you know Terry, you and I had it easy, and what it’s helping me see about us is that within our parents world we were allowed to have something of our own worlds, we could make them up, make things be to some degree how we wanted them to be. Our parents gave us that much breathing space, whereas Sherrill got none. Her parents were always on her case, always controlling her telling how to be all the time, how to breath even, how to stand, what clothes to wear, she was never allowed to have her own room in which she could do as she pleased. And she wasn’t allowed to complain, she tried to but they stopped her, and they wouldn’t allow her to even have any free time so she could go off into her own mind thinking and dreaming about her own things. Can you imagine that, it’s astounding how controlling someone can be. Far worse than being controlled in a prison or as a slave as they have some free time and can go off into their minds, but being so heavily controlled right from the start and all through your forming years, so you can’t even day-dream; no time for that with your parents always in your face, always telling you how to be, always stopping you from being how you want to be and doing what you want to do when you want to do it, nothing... we’ve had it very easy by comparison.
Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was that it’s helping me see that that’s how it is for most people I think, that their parents aren’t so dominating and controlling, so they, like we were, were allowed to have something of their own lives, and some people being lucky enough to even have their parents encouraging and supporting them in making life be how they want it to be.
So we had something of our own power. Not our full and true power, but some power, so false power you could call it within the power of our parents. We had our localised power under their power and I know I did with my dollies, pretending I was the mummy and daddy organising them and all that; something as simple as that, that giving me a sense of my own power and being the boss and controller, even being god in a way, god of my own little world. Sherrill didn’t have anything like that, she had a couple of dolls but her mother always told her when and how she had to play with them, she was never just left alone, he mother was always there and her father although he went to work each day still had the overall power and everyone had to do as he said.
And so we’ve been able to have some power, so we feel and believe we can make it in the world, that the world is there for us in some way, unlike Sherrill felt. But I’m also beginning to see that our power is as I said, false, it’s not real and true power because it’s all been sanctioned by mum and dad, they allowed me to have it, and so I’ve had it my way under their way, so it’s not real and true power - do you understand what I’m saying?
Yes. It’s along the lines of what we read about in the Feeling-Healing books, how we - no one - actually has any true power, that it’s all contrived and false mind power that’s come about because of the so-called ‘freedom’ we had in our early lives. I read that, but now that you’re talking about it and apply it to our lives it makes more sense, now I can understand it. And I see what you’re saying, that you and I did have some space to be ourselves, but it’s not or wasn’t our true selves with our parents, it was still a false self that we’ve become, that they made us become, and that’s what we’re trying to heal, that’s what we’re trying to uncover the truth of through our feelings. That much I understand.
That’s right Terry, that is what we’re trying to do isn’t it. It is amazing how as you talk about it more of it all seems to make me sense, you keep seeing it on deeper levels even though you already know it.
Think you know it, for obviously there is more, that being the deeper levels you’re talking about.
Yes, that’s right, there is always more, that much I’m slowly beginning to accept about the healing process.
And you’d hope so wouldn’t you, I mean Ann, it would be a pretty dull and boring life if there wasn’t always more truth to be uncovered. That’s the part that amazes me, that there is always more truth to see about yourself, and what’s to say that that will ever end, so for the rest of eternity we’ll be seeing more about ourselves... now that is something amazing if you ask me.
I can’t think about the rest of eternity Terry, you can do that, I have to keep staying where I am now.
So Terry, all our feelings of freedom, like we’re free to be as we like in the world, you can go off and make money and I can piddle around with my writing, that is not really true freedom, that’s all still within or under the regime of our parental control, and that we’ll not really ever be free of our parents influences until we’ve completed our healing.
No, I suppose not. God that makes you think. So-
Yes, so nothing we do is really true or real or free, it’s all still part of our contrived and negative state, part of our evilness, as that’s what we are by our being untrue to ourselves. You’re evil Terry, do you know that... and how does that make you feel? We read about it, but we’ve not talked about that part of it yet, not after these two years of doing our healing.
Yeah I know, I think about it occasionally, but I think it’s been too big for me to deal with, I’ve not been ready to admit it. But now I can, now that you’ve brought it up. I am evil, as are you, as we all are. I can see all our lives are bullshit and that really we don’t have a clue what life is all about and all we do is done to keep denying our bad feelings. That much I can grasp and admit and see within myself.
Yes, and so by denying our bad feelings, by denying any part of ourself is what’s wrong, that’s why we’re evil.
So in that case being evil for me doesn’t make me feel any different to how I feel.
That’s just it Terry, you don’t have to be a bad person as in someone who goes around murdering or killing other people, someone like a Hitler, you can be evil - you are evil, just being the good old cricket-loving Terry. And all that Christian stuff, as in them being the good ones and all the rest who are not ‘with Jesus’, who haven’t been ‘saved’, are evil, that’s all rubbish, as they don’t even understand they themselves are all evil simply by believing such religious beliefs that help them remain in their feeling-denying states.
Yes, I see what you mean. A bit like the kettle calling the pot black.
Yes exactly. So we’re all fixated about we being the ‘good ones’ and they being the ‘bad ones’, our enemy or whomever we see as being the evil ones, when we’re also the evil ones as we all are because we’re all living untrue to ourselves; because we’re all just living in our own little fantasy worlds that are nothing more than an approved of sub-world of our parents evil worlds.
Yes, it’s a big thing Terry, isn’t it! And you know, this is what I love about all of this stuff. We read things about all of this, but it’s when - and that you do - through your own feelings uncover it all for yourself as your own truth - that’s what’s so exciting, you can actually feel yourself progressing, growing in it all, seeing it all for yourself, coming to your own conclusions about how you are and how life is; how your life is and how wrong it is - that’s not so good, but also how it should be. And you know Terry, and I’ve never told you or anyone this before, but I’ve always wanted to know the right way to live. I have. It was something I have wished for since I was a young girl. I did get confused, I can see now that I did wish to live the right way that mum and dad wanted me to live so I would be good for them, but now that I’ve got them out of the way, my desire and longing to live the right way, I can see, has always been there.
To live true, I’d say.
Yes Terry! That’s it - to live true, and yes, true to myself. God I’ve read that so many times in those books about healing our childhood repression, but now I see it, I get it for myself, now I see what he means. Yes Terry, derr, I feel like I’ve finally got it, now I want to live true to myself, now at least I know what that means for myself. I want to live the right way for me to live, not my parents wrong and corrupt and evil way. And you know Terry - I don’t want to be evil anymore. How about that!
Sounds good to me. Who does want to be evil, that’s what I’d like to know.
But Terry we don’t even understand that we are evil, that just being what we think is our natural good and even true and right ways we live, is evil, and not good at all. Oh god the whole world lives evilly, that’s what our problem is, derr, I feel like that light has suddenly got switched on and I’m able to see it for the first time. God it just shows you how unconscious and how unaware I’ve been.
Well Annie, you weren’t always the brightest spark in town, but I still love you.
Thank You Terry, but who is the one speaking about all of this! I suppose you just reckon you naturally know it all - ha! men, honestly, who’d have ‘em!