Terry I feel bad, bad, very bad, yuk, all yukky, I don’t know what I’m really feeling - just bad. Bad, bad, I feel all sort of discombobulated, all over the place, our of sorts, sick, really, sort of sick all through me, I don’t know, just bad. Yuk, yuk, yukky, bad, sick, sick, I can’t really place the feeling, I don’t know what I’m feeling, but I feel bad all through me, like in my blood or something, in my body, grungy, sick, awkward feeling, I don’t know, none of what I’m saying is really right.
Sick, sick, sick, that’s how I feel sick, sick through and through, right through to the core of me - sick, just sick. I don’t feel like vomit sick, like I’m going to throw up or anything like that, just sick... sick, sick... sick of anything?
Sick, sick of life?
Na, I don’t know and there’s no point guessing; sick, sick and tired of feeling like this. That much I do know. I don’t like this sick feeling, I don’t like feeling bad, not that I can imagine anyone liking feeling bad, but it’s what my feelings want me to say, that’s what I feel so say, that I feel sick and I hate it, I really do, I hate feeling this way... and now I feel like I’ve always felt like this and I’m sick of feeling it.
It reminds me of when I went into hospital to have the abortion, lying there and feeling all churned up, all sick, it was very bad, feeling so emotional and out of sorts, not really knowing who I was and what I was doing, just wanting to get it over with.
And afterwards I didn’t have anyone to console me, I felt so miserable, so lonely, so desolate. And I felt so sick, so god dam awful, and sort of how I feel now reminds of that bad time.
You remember I told you, when it all fell apart with Derrick and then I found out I was pregnant and he didn’t want to know about it, and I couldn’t tell mum or dad or anyone, so I just had to do it alone and with Ruth’s (sister) help. She set it all up, took me to the doctor but I had to go through it all alone. I stayed with her after or a week, but she wasn’t there much and I wasn’t much fun for her kids, and god I felt like shit.
And what happened?
Oh I just pulled myself together. It was a pity I didn’t know about expressing all my bad feelings back then, that would have made all the difference. I couldn’t go through something like that again, all alone and all by myself. It was the low point of my life, I’ve never felt so low, and it wasn’t just physically, that was nothing, I hardly had any bleeding, it was all emotional, spiritual really, that’s what I’m inclined to think now.
Feeling so alone Terry, it’s one of the worst feelings, you know, feeling like you don’t have anyone there for you, and no one cares about you, wants you, loves you. It makes you feel so bad, so depressed, so much like you just want to curl up in a ball and die. I thought about killing myself, but I couldn’t do that, I’m too much of a chicken; but feeling so despairing, with nothing, no one and nothing, nothing to look forward to, no one to hold and be held by, no affection... god I felt bad.
And scared, I felt so scared, I am remember the fear, that made me feel so sick, like I wanted to vomit but I couldn’t, I’d try, sort of a dry reaching, but nothing would come out of me, but I could feel all the dross energy I was sort of throwing up out of me. I think now looking back it was some kind of spiritual purging or something of that nature. As you know, I’m really not much for the spiritual stuff, I don’t know, it doesn’t grab me too much, and all that New Age stuff I’ve read, na, it’s not for me, it all sounds too contrived.
But what I went through then, it was like I was spewing out on an energy level all that the baby was spiritually in me. They took it away physically and I purged it out of my system spiritually, or at least that what I like to think it was.
But shit I felt sick, so sick, just as I feel now, sick, sick, sick, so sick, like I want to throw up again - do one of those spiritual throw-ups like I did back then. I feel like I want to die, to lie on the ground and die, that’s how sick I feel, and I feel all hot, like I’m having a hot flush, yes, fuck I’m heating up, oh shit, I’ve got to take this jumper off, and I think I’ll have to sit on the toilet... oh fuck I feel like all the shit and piss is going to come pouring out of me as I throw it all up.
I’m come and sit with you, I’ll get a chair and we’ll sit together in the toilet.
Okay Terry, thank you, thank you for being so understanding.
Oh god I don’t know whether to lie on the floor or sit on the loo, shit I feel bad, so bad, I don’t feel like I need to go to the toilet, but then I feel like it’s all going to just come pouring out of me. Fuck I feel bad. I don’t know what to do.
Would you like a glass of water?
No, thanks, no thank you again for thinking of me, but no, I don’t think it will do any good.
Sick, sick, so sick, I feel so sick, I feel faint, like I’m going to blank out - black out, just go blank, sign off - die? Faint, go unconscious, fuck I hate fainting, it makes me feel like all my insides are being pulled out of me, sort of out of my vagina area, like they are being sucked out of me, and that’s how I feel now, like my insides are being sucked out and I feel so goddam awful, so bad, so bad, bad, bad, so bad.
And now I’m getting my period pain - oh great, just want I need to complete the whole lot. It’s due, so now it’s coming on, and I feel so bad, so sick, sick, sick Terry, so sick, sick all through me.
Oh fuck me Terry I can’t take it anymore, I can’t bear it, but I don’t know what to do... sick, I feel sick, I feel sick, I feel sick, SSIIICCCKKKKK, I feel sick, sick, yuk, yuk, I feel so yuk... and now the pain is getting stronger as my period is coming, god I feel bad, like I’m dying, dying, I feel still like I’m going to faint, faint, I feel so bad, fuck we women have it hard, all this sort of pain, and with our periods every month. It’s all right if you don’t have any pain, but those of us who do, it’s not fair, not fair that we have to suffer so much, and all the while you men don’t have to worry about anything. You don’t have to shove meds up your cunt and have to deal with all the blood and the pain, and then have to have abortions and go through such horrible things. And I don’t care what any woman says Terry, if she says she doesn’t feel bad having an abortion, then she’s lying, or able to cover up or block out such fear, because it’s a terrible thing and mostly men have no idea about all the suffering and pain, especially the emotional and spiritual and even mental anguish we go through. And like everything else, we women are just meant to deal with it ourselves, not burden anyone, and especially the man, with our suffering.
But I’d like to see the man feel all the bad feelings we have to go through for just being women, and see how they feel about it all. They really have no idea, and I don’t even think we women have any real idea either, as we do such a good job on blocking out and not allowing ourselves to feel such pain and certainly not demanding our men to pay attention to us, to look after us and give us the love and sympathy we need.
And it’s all right getting some of your needs met by other women, but really it’s the men in your life you want to be with you in each and every moment, and particularly when they are bad moments and hurting you and you feel so sick and you want to faint and shit and piss all over the place.
And Terry, once again I have to say to you how much I value and appreciate you being here with me. There is nothing you can do for me, but what you are doing is really all I need, just to know you are here, and really here for me, sitting with me like this, and I know I can hold your hand or you will hold mine if I need it, but right now the thought of being touched makes me want to puke even more.
Fuck I wish I could just puke my guts out and get rid of it all, all the yuk, sick, bad feelings, all my pain.
Pain, ow my stomach hurts, right here in my left ovary, that’s the one that gives me the most trouble when I get pain, and it’s hurting more now and I know it will only get worse - pain, ow, ow, ow, hurting, it’s hurting, my pain is bad, very bad, it ebbs and flows...
I don’t feel like I want to be sick as much now, and thank you again Terry for just being here with me, letting me say all of this, letting me mork on expressing my bad feelings. I’ve not ever known of or heard of a man doing anything like this, just you being here with me, and not interfering with me, not telling me what I should do, just letting me go through it all, and thankfully you’re home and I can, and it’s all you want to do.
Fuck I’ve had enough of sitting here my bums getting sore, and as I feel a bit better, let’s go back to the couch.
Pain, I feel bad, hurting pain, bad pain, yuk pain, yeah now my fainting feelings are going and I don’t want to be sick, it’s more now just my period pain. But that too is easing now, it’s more how it usually is, more a dull pain.
Oh but fuck me Terry that was bad. Shit I felt bad, feeling so sick and so faint and like wanting to shit and spew but not knowing what I was going to do. But I feel better now, like I’m coming out of it... fuck all these things, who the fuck knows what they are all about anyway, feeling so bad like this so many times, and I wonder how these things equate to my early childhood.
You don’t have to worry about that, that much I now know, for if you are meant to connect with anything you get taken there, we don’t have to fish or hunt for it within ourselves it just comes, that much we’ve now seen for ourselves.
Yes, that’s right, and I don’t care anyway, as I know it’s just about expressing all these bad feelings, they are obviously in me and so they’ve got to come out, and the more the better.
Oh fuck Terry I feel better now - recovering. My period pain is easing, ah that feels better. It is amazing how we seem to get plunged down into our bad feelings, into our darkness feeling so rat-shit and then we seem to come up out of them as we talk about them all.
Yeah I know, it does make you understand and appreciate the value of speaking about all you feel, but I also know that none of it would happen if we weren’t longing for and really wanting to know the truth of ourselves. It didn’t happen when I wasn’t looking for the truth, and I’ve felt very bad at times, as you have Ann, but now it’s different with all of this expressing our feelings stuff. I mean it doesn’t always make us feel better, but so often we do, and look at all that comes to light, how much we are getting to see and understand about ourselves.
Yes Terry and you know I’m so sure that it’s all about our being together, being there for each other but in the right way and not how it’s usually talked about; but being there so we can speak about anything we want to and we’re not rejected, we’re accepted, just as you do for me, you don’t tell me off or to shut up and stop going on about it, or to take some Asprin or go to the doctor or anything like that, you just let me work my way through it, and if I needed the doctor then I’d say. And it wasn’t like that for either of us in our families, and so this is really what I think all of this healing stuff is about, helping us see how it was meant to be for us in our families with real and true loving parents, and how it wasn’t because they weren’t capable of truly loving us and being there for us. And as we can, so we’re sort of in some way, which I can’t understand or explain, going back over how it should have been for us, had we had real friends in our parents. It’s like we’re in some way being the loving parents we should have had for each other now. And even helping each other to be the loving parent for ourselves, that’s really what we’re doing by allowing ourselves to feel bad and speak about all our bad feelings. Relationships Terry, that’s what it’s all about, righting the wrongs, correcting our relationships. You and me sorting out together the right way to be, as you said, because we want to be true, not how it was in our beginning with all our relationships being the wrong way.
So thank you once again Terry for being my real friend, my friend in need, and for allowing me to say all I want to say.