Yes, in here.
Jim asked me today if I’d like to become a partner with him in the business.
Really, that’s great... isn’t it? Isn’t that something you’ve wanted?
Yes it has been... but gee, I don’t know. I don’t know if I do want to accept it.
When he asked me, I didn’t feel good. It was weird, I had to try really hard to put on a show of being delighted and so happy about it. And he took me to the pub and told me his plans about how he wants to expand the business and what my role would be and how we’ll work closer together. And there’d be more money for me and we’d employ new staff; he’s really fired up about it, he’s got it all worked out... yet, I don’t know, I just don’t feel happy about it. And I don’t know why.
So what do you feel about it?
I don’t know, mixed feelings really. On the one hand I think it’s a great opportunity and I should take it, that I’d be a fool not to take it... and the on the other, I don’t know, I sort of feel bored with it all, and the thought of actually becoming more involved in the place and the work, it just doesn’t make me feel good.
And then I tell myself that I’m being an idiot, and that it’s a chance of the lifetime, as the business is well established, and as Jim and I have often talked there are lots of ways to make it grow. And now that he’s free of his relationship with the extra time on his hands, so he wants to get stuck into it.
But I don’t think I can make the commitment to it. And then I feel like I’m letting him down, and that’s not good. He’s been so good to me, supported me, and given me lots of perks, and so now to say no, it’s like I’d be slapping him the face.
But still when I think of actually doing the work, I don’t feel I have the enthusiasm, if it was a new job possibly, but it being more of the same thing, I feel like I’m tied of it, tired of everything.
So I go around and around, this way and that, oh it’s so fucking difficult. Why couldn’t I just feel happy and excited and be raring to go.
Do you want the job or not Terry?
So you’re going to have to tell him.
So what are you going to say?
Oh god I don’t know. We’ll have to talk about it more, you and I, and if you don’t mind, would you help me work out how best to tell him, how I should go about it and what I can say.
I think you just have be truthful, and try to allow your feelings to express themselves. Naturally you’d thank him for his kind offer but tell him what you told me, all about not wanting to let him down and all of that, and how he’s been so good to you, but how you feel like you’re burnt out in it, that you’re no longer that passionate about it and so you don’t think you’d be such a help to him. Something like that.
But what are you going to do Terry, I mean, if you turn him down, are you going to want to stay there anyway, and what, just keep doing what you’re doing?
I know, I’ve been thinking about that all the way home in the car. I think really it’s the end of it all. I couldn’t do that, just keep going as I am, and so that too I’ll have to tell him. God, he finally asks me to come into full partnership with him, and he’s not even wanting me to put up any money of my own, and I’m not only going to have to turn him down, but say I’m quitting as well.
And you know, it’s funny how these things happen, but the other day I was speaking with one of my clients and he asked me if I’d like to come and work for him. I didn’t say anything at the time about it to you because I didn’t really think anything of it. He lives in the country, down south, and I only see him when he comes to the city which is about twice a year, but I like him a lot.
And so then it occurred to me, how would you feel about our moving, down south, down somewhere along the coast, out in the country more, away from the city.
I’d love to Terry.
Sure, there’s nothing holding me here, and I’ve always wanted to move to the country, you know that, we’ve talked it many times before.
Yeah I know but I guess I never really took it seriously.
Well I did!
But wouldn’t you miss Jen and your family and-
No. Not at all, and in fact I’d prefer being further away from them giving us more time to be together so we can work more on ourselves. And as you know that’s all I want to do - when do we go?
Well, I’ll have to give this man a ring, Geoff is his name, and see if he still wants me and what he has in mind, and if that’s all good, then...
This sort of thing happened to me as has happened to Terry. I got various job offers, some of which I’d always longed to get, but when they did come, I’d changed, my healing had helped me to see things differently and my feelings said no to accepting such offers whereas my mind wrestled hard thinking I should. But what should I do, accept the better offer that would lead me further away from myself and out more into the world of feeling-denial; or, should I refuse, go on the dole, and keep speaking about all my bad feelings that were coming up. And that was the way my feelings were leading me. And even though I knew at the time I was changing my whole life around, and going against all that I had been conditioned to be, to say no to the world, no to advancing myself in it, was difficult. However in retrospect I can now see it was the best thing I did, helping me to feel like the failure I am, helping me to fall more into my bad feelings, all so I could help heal myself. It was bloody hard though saying no to the world and yes to my feelings, and I was assailed with so many fears about what was going to happen to me and that I’d be punished in some way and the government would force me to do things I didn’t want to do and get a job I didn’t want. But still it was either: am I going to continue to reject my true self by doing what I believe the world - my parents - say I should do; or, go the other way and support my feeling-self. It was certainly no easy road for me, compared to how it turns out for Terry. He gets to live in a nice isolated house in the country by the coast. I have tired to write Terry more like how it was for me, but I can’t, Terry is not me, even though I’m making him up. So Terry gets my fantasy house in the country.
Two months later
Oh Terry this is wonderful, who’d have thought we’d find such a lovely place, and right near the beach and such a big garden full with native trees and shrubs, and the birds, already we’ve seen so many different ones to what we’re used to. Oh we should have done this years ago.
And to think that you like your new job with Geoff, it’s a dream come true!
I’m envious of Ann and Terry. Why do they get it all, just as they want it, and Marion and I can’t. More bad feelings for me to express and speak about with her. And as hard as I try, I just can’t make it be more difficult for them, as it has been for us.
I know Ann, and I feel like I’ve got a new leash on life. Like the all this fresh air has somehow revitalised me, and I feel so good, so ready to get stuck into the work, and it doesn’t seem like it will be too hard.
And yeah, we were so lucky to find this place, all thanks to Geoff; and you know, the best part of it all is that we’re so far away from everyone, from mum and dad and the rest of my family. That feeling is so good, it just keeps coming up stronger and stronger in me. Good fucking feelings for once!
But I mean it, that I won’t have to see them, it’s such a long way to drive and they said they understand our wanting to move away from the city, giving us their blessings, so it couldn’t have been more perfect how it all worked out. It’s just incredible, oh I feel so fucking free, you have no idea, free of Jim and free of my old life, and ready to start our new one together. And it’s like we are, just you and me; and not knowing anyone, and so we’re completely free to just work on ourselves doing whatever we want. And all that which was giving me so much worry about mum and dad, all that about having to confront them - gone, taken out of my hands, and so quickly. And all so perfectly, really so lovingly, it all being taken care of for us, so no one felt hurt, not even Jim as it turned out, he completely understanding how I felt. And then he employed that new bloke who he’s really happy with, it’s all so perfect. And you know, it gives me this nice feeling, like we’re being looked after in some way.
Yes, me too, and I know exactly what you mean. As if God or whomever is in control of everything is saying, okay you two, as you want to get serious about your being together to do your healing, so here you are, I’ll remove all those obstacles, you’ve done all you could in expressing all you felt and have seen all the truth I’ve wanted you to see, and so now you can start the next phase of your healing - that’s how it feels to me.
I like that, and it does, it’s how I feel too. And even though my pay is less, still I have the use of the company car and phone, and with the rent cheaper, and as we’ve not been spending as much anyway compared to what we used to, so we’ll even be able to save money to put toward buying our own house. So it couldn’t be better. Oh Annie I feel so happy. So lets go into town tonight and celebrate, there’s that one little restaurant we can check out, splurge!
Great. But it is like that Terry, don’t you think, like God is giving us this gift, I mean, even though we’ve not really spoken that much about God, you do get the feeling at times like it’s all out of our hands, and in some way it’s all being taken care of.
Yeah, I know what you mean. And I agree, I don’t know if it’s God or not, but maybe it is. Anyway it sure feels good. So, let’s go. Get your coat and I’ll bring the car around.
At the restaurant
This is lovely Terry, and all the wonderful fresh seafood. And it being off season so with so few people around. Just us and that other couple over there.
I know. It couldn’t be better.
I do feel that God is somehow looking after me Terry. It’s a familiar feeling, it’s one I used to have when I was a young girl. We did go to church with the school, and sometimes I’ve felt it, but I let it go, and I didn’t really feel it too much when I got older. But now, it must be because everything is so new and fresh and I feel so good, that I feel that same nice feeling back again.
It is strange how it all happens. And you know, I also feel that in some way I am being guided. I can’t quite describe what I mean, but the more I honour my feelings, the more I feel like I am going along on the right track and that my feelings in some way keep me on it. And that there is a track for me to follow, and that even though I can’t see it, not with my eyes and by seeing all the usual signs that point the way, it’s a feeling thing.
I do know what you mean, I have a sense of that too. And that too makes me feel good. Gee Ann, I feel we’re so lucky, so blessed in some sort of way, just how it all came together, even our finding those furniture removalists who were so cheap and so happy to bring us all this way. And how so many other little things have seemed to have been taken care of by themselves without our having to do much at all. I wouldn’t have been able to plan it all had we sat down and decided to actually try and do it ourselves, but with Jim’s offer and Geoff’s and... it’s all so incredible. Shit I feel so good! I can’t fucking believe it! I feel like I want to jump up and dance and sing and... and fucking run and run, but around in circles and for joy and not away with fear.
And it gives me the feeling that because we’ve both been so determined in doing our healing, it’s sort of like a reward, yes, like God or whomever, is saying, well done you two, you’ve been a good boy and a good girl for all the hard work you’ve done on yourselves, so here’s a reward for you. Shit I feel so good! I just can’t believe it. God I hope these good feelings last.
Probably by tomorrow Terry...
Yeah I know, so that’s why I want to make the most of them of now. So drink up Ann, let’s get pissed tonight, we haven’t drunk much for years.
You’ll be sorry in the morning - all those bad feelings.
Yeah, and fuck them!
All right, but I’m not going to drink too much, so I’ll drive us home.