DON’T YOU FUCKING TELL ME TO STOP DOING THAT TERRY, YOU CAN GO TO HELL.
YEAH WELL FUCK YOU TOO, AND I’LL TELL YOU WHAT I LIKE.
NO YOU WON’T, BECAUSE IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE LIKE THAT, THEN FUCK YOU TOO AND I’M LEAVING.
YEAH WELL SEE IF I CARE. I HOPE YOU DO, IT’S OBVIOUS THAT OUR RELATIONSHIP IS SHIT AND ISN’T WORKING. AND ALL THIS FEELING SHIT, I’VE HAD ENOUGH OF IT. AND ENOUGH OF YOU TELLING ME HOW WRONG I AM OR THAT I’VE SAID THE WRONG THING; ALL YOUR CORRECTING ME, TELLING ME HOW I SHOULD BE. FUCK THAT, I’M SICK OF IT.
AS AM I! I’M SICK OF YOUR FUCKING AROUND AND NOT TAKING THINGS SERIOUSLY, YOUR NOT CONSIDERING MY FEELINGS IN SO MANY OF THE THINGS YOU DO. SO FUCK YOU, I DON’T WANT TO BE WITH YOU, AND YOU’RE RIGHT, WE SHOULD JUST SPLIT UP, WE’RE NOT SUITED, AND I WANT TO BE WITH A MAN WHO’S MORE CONSIDERATE OF MY FEELINGS, AND NOT SOMEONE WHO OVERRIDES ME TELLING ME WHAT TO DO, ALWAYS TRYING TO CONTROL ME AND MAKE ME BE HOW HE WANTS ME TO BE.
I DON’T DO THAT, YOU DO THAT TO ME!
YOU DO SO DO THAT, THAT’S WHAT YOU’RE DOING ALL THE TIME. YOU’RE ALWAYS TELLING ME HOW I SHOULD BE, AND NOT TO BE LIKE THAT, I’VE ALWAYS GOT TO FIT INTO YOUR ‘NICE GIRL’ IMAGE. SO FUCK YOU, I WANT TO BE EXACTLY HOW I WANT TO BE, AND I DON’T WANT NOR APPRECIATE ANYONE TELLING ME OTHERWISE.
YEAH WELL FUCK YOU TOO ANN, YOU CAN GO AND GET STUFFED, AND SO WHAT IF I WANT TO BE WITH A NICE GIRL AND NOT SOME STUCK UP SELF-OPINIONATED BITCH LIKE YOU. YOU THINK YOU’RE SO SMART KNOWING ABOUT ALL OF THIS STUFF: ‘NOW TERRY MAKE SURE YOU KEEP EXPRESSING ALL YOUR FEELINGS, DON’T YOU DENY THEM, YOU KNOW YOU’RE TO KEEP EXPRESSING THEM AND LONGING FOR THE TRUTH’. OF COURSE I FUCKING KNOW THAT, I DON’T HAVE TO BE TOLD THAT BY YOU EVERY FUCKING DAY.
I’M ONLY HELPING YOU TERRY BECAUSE YOU’RE STILL INCLINED TO GO OFF INTO YOUR MIND. AND WHEN YOU DO THEN IT’S NO GOOD BEING WITH YOU ANYWAY BECAUSE WE’RE NOT CONNECTED, WE’RE NOT SHARING OUR FEELINGS WITH EACH OTHER, WE’RE NOT LINKED UP, UNITED IN OUR FEELING ACCEPTANCE AND EXPRESSION.
‘WE’RE NOT LINKED UP, WE’RE NOT CONNECTED, WE’RE NOT UNITED’, OH WHO THE FUCK CARES. I’M SICK OF IT ALL, I DON’T CARE, IT’S ALL TOO HARD, I CAN’T DO IT AS EASILY AS YOU CAN. IT’S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU, YOU’RE A NATURAL OR YOU’VE GOT THE KNACK; YOU’VE GOT WHAT IT TAKES AND IT ALL SEEMS TO MAKE SENSE TO YOU, BUT I DON’T, I’M ALWAYS SAILING BLIND, I DON’T HAVE A FUCKING CLUE WHAT’S GOING ON HALF THE TIME AND SO LITTLE OF IT MAKES ANY SENSE TO ME. SO FUCK YOU AND ALL YOUR SHARING, YOU CAN GO FIND SOMEONE TO SHARE IT WITH. I DON’T CARE, I’VE HAD ENOUGH. I FEEL TOO TIRED, TOO STRESSED, TO FUCKING FUCKED OFF WITH IT ALL: WITH YOU, WITH MYSELF, WITH MUM AND FUCKING DAD, WITH LIFE, AND EVEN WITH GOD. FUCK THE LOT OF YOU. I WISH I COULD JUST FUCK OFF AND GO UP NORTH, GET SOME BETTER WEATHER AND BE ALONE FOR A TIME, JUST TO CLEAR MY HEAD. THIS FEELING EXPRESSING IS RELENTLESS AND NOW IT’S FIVE FUCKING YEARS AND IT SEEMS LIKE WE’RE STILL ONLY JUST GETTING GOING ON IT.
SO FUCK OFF AND LEAVE ME ALONE; WE SHOULD SEPARATE, END IT, AS I HATE IT HOW IT IS.
ALL RIGHT THEN, LET’S END IT. I’LL GO.
OH NO, FUCK YOU, AND FUCK YOU AGAIN ANN, I’VE HAD ENOUGH AND I DON’T WANT YOU TO OPEN YOUR MOUTH AGAIN, I DON’T WANT TO HEAR IT. AND I WISH I COULD JUST WALK OUT THAT FUCKING DOOR BUT I CAN’T.
WHY CAN’T YOU?
BECAUSE I’M TOO WORRIED ABOUT WHAT WOULD HAPPEN TO YOU.
YOU DON’T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT ME, I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF. I’LL FIND SOMEONE ELSE WHO WANTS TO DO THEIR HEALING.
I’M SURE YOU WILL, BUT IN THE MEANTIME I THINK I’LL FEEL TO BAD FOR LETTING YOU DOWN. AND WHAT WILL YOU DO FOR MONEY; NO IT’S TOO HARD, IT’S ALL TOO FUCKING HARD. AND NOW I DON’T EVEN KNOW IF I’M ANGRY WITH YOU OR JUST WITH EVERYTHING. Fuck I don’t know Ann... I’m sorry for going on at you, yelling at you like that. Fuck me I feel so fucked again, so fucked around, I just don’t know. I’m fed up and yet I do want to keep going, I don’t want to stop and I do want to keep doing it with you, but I’m also feeling so tired, so stressed, all this deep shit always surfacing, and then I have to go out into the world so often feeling like shit. And I have to put on my Happy Terry face, and look after my clients and they’ve always got problems and really I don’t know if I can be bothered with it anymore. I don’t know, I just don’t know. I feel like I need a holiday or something, just some time out, but as soon as I think that, then I think what’s the point it’s only running away, and it’s not as if were we to go away together that we’d just be able to put all of this aside and not have any bad feelings for a couple of weeks while we lie on some tropical island beach.
So fuck it, fuck it fuck it fuck it, shit that’s all I seem to be saying these days - FUCK IT!
As long as you keep saying it Terry, that’s all that matters.
See, there you go again. Do you think I don’t know that!
I know, but still... you’re inclined to not bring it all out, so you need a gentle reminder.
But don’t you feel fucked, fuck you seem normal and only a few minutes ago you were screaming your head off at me and we were separating and leaving and...
It’s just my feelings Terry, when they are up like that, so they are like that; when they’ve all been expressed out of me, then I’m as I am now. I feel bad still, I don’t want to be fighting with you, but it’s how it will be, how it is, and I can’t see any way out of it other than what we’re doing, our keeping on speaking about it all as we long for the truth of it.
Yeah, well, I feel torn apart, like I’ve been pulled apart limb from limb. Fuck I feel fucked. I’ve never felt like this, and if I did when I was young then fuck mum and dad even more for putting me through such torture. I feel like I’m breaking down, I’m falling apart and I don’t know what to do about it.
There is nothing for you to do about it, and that’s part of your trouble, that you keep thinking you are meant to do something. But you’re not. And that is what is getting torn apart, it’s your mind breaking down, letting go, you’re giving in. And it’s hard for you Terry because you’ve used your mind to keep yourself together, under control, and now that you’re losing control and more so every day, so you are literally having a mental breakdown of sorts. I think it’s all a mental breakdown, one long one, all so we can break out of our minds control over us and live more truly to our feelings.
Yeah, but I’m so fucked. I had no idea that I was so fucked, and I just keep feeling more and more fucked by the day. When and where will it end?
When it’s all come out of you I should think. But as to when that might be, God only knows. And as we’ve got no one else to go by, even after reading all that was in those books, still it’s just us, and we don’t know what’s in store for us, where this is all leading to and how far down into ourselves we have to go. We might only just be on the tip of the iceberg or all we know.
Argh god forbid! I hope fucking not. But as you say, it might go on for years, and god knows, what will I be feeling then. If I feel this bad now, how will be I feel then.
The same I should think.
Why do you say that?
Because it’s your pattern, how you are. And as you’re steadily waking up to it, to how controlled you were and so how controlling you are, so that’s how it is for you Terry, so that’s how it’s going to be right the way along through your healing until it’s done. That’s what I think anyway.
Aw fuck, I’m so sick of this, I don’t want to be arguing with you Annie, I don’t. Fuck I want to have a loving relationship with you, not one being angry with you and our being so horrible to each other. It’s not what I’d call a loving relationship.
Which is only more of your fantasy Terry anyway. We’re not having a loving relationship, remember. Remember we agreed that we’re having a working relationship, a relationship to help each other to do our healing. It’s not about getting on well together and being in love with each other, it’s about helping each other bring out all our shit, sharing it and being there for each other to do so. And if that means yelling and fighting and shitting all over each other, then that’s what it is. It’s not a normal or ordinary relationship, we’re not like those people, we tried to be but we couldn’t make a go of it, and this is all we can be. It’s what we are, we’re both here now together and that’s all we have, we can’t be anything other than what we are. So we’re not having a loving relationship, we’re working our butts off trying to heal ourselves, trying to come to terms with our negative state, with how fucked we are all because we feel so unloved. And it’s hard. Remember we read that it was hard, harder than anything you’ve done other than all you’ve already suffered at the hands of your parents. And it is, that much we’re seeing for ourselves. But it’s all we can do. And unless you want to go back to being how you were, we can only keep pushing on.
No, I don’t want to go back, and I can’t anyway. And I know, we’ve talked about it before, but still, fuck it’s so much more difficult than I thought it would be. Not that I could have had any idea. But to feel so fucked, like I’m falling apart all the time, being broken down, it’s such a strain.
And it needs to be Terry, the pressure needs to be kept up on you, on us both, taking us right the edge all the time, all so we do keep folding and giving in and allowing our feelings to come up so we can bring them out and tell each other how bad we’re feeling. And if you ask me, that we are here for each other, that we are by and large mostly sympathetic to each other, and becoming more so as we progress, that is loving, by being the best friend we can be for each other. And as I said, if that means fighting and shitting all over each other, then that’s what being a good friend is.
Yeah well it’s a far cry from being with the boys at the club.
Which you’ve also been waking up to Terry were not real and true friendships, they were all part of your falseness. And those guys aren’t here now with you like I am, helping you express it all, reminding and encouraging you to. They are still more than likely at the club, still sitting there drinking their beer watching the cricket wondering how Terry is getting on, reminiscing about the good ‘ol days. But where would you rather be, still there with them telling the same old stories or here with me having our screaming matches as we break through our barriers liberating all the vile putridness that’s been locked away inside us for so long.
You really want to know... I’d kill for a beer and talking about shit and nothing to do with feelings with the guys for a while.
So why don’t you go back, go and see them, take next weekend off.
Na, because what for. I know it all sounds good, but still I agree with all you’re saying. And I don’t want to go back, as I know what it will be like, and I’m glad I left it. It was only... ah well, you know what I mean.
I do, but still I’m not going to let you escape. We have to keep pressing on.
Well it’s not as if we have any say in it, it’s relentless as it is. I don’t think I could stop even if I did want to. But I don’t. I just feel so fucked and wish it would all end.
Which is completely understandable.
Yeah, well I’m sorry again Ann for fighting and I don’t want to leave you or for you to leave me. But fuck me, if we have to go through more of how it’s been these past couple of days, god, I don’t know.
You don’t have to know Terry, and you’re not meant to know. That’s the point of it, you don’t know only you believe and think you do or should. And your so-called knowing has been your main means of having power, or pretending to yourself that you do. But you don’t, because as you’re finding out, you don’t know, so you don’t have any power. And that then leaves you feeling powerless, which really is all these bad feelings of feeling so fucked, it’s you just feeling so powerless. And that is really how you do feel - the truth, because that’s how your parents made you feel so much of the time. And because, and rightly so, you didn’t want to feel so powerless, you’ve had to use your mind to maintain the control you think you can have by knowing things. But it’s all a delusion, all a fantasy, as you really have no control, and you don’t have any power, as they didn’t give you any. Your parents enabled you to believe you did have some power within their power structures, but that’s all you had, that’s all any of us have, and yet we believe it’s enough for us to make it in the world to be a success or whatever we believe we should be. But it’s all a mental delusion and so that’s what’s being broken down within you, it’s literally being stripped from you. But of course you fight it, you resist it, thereby making it harder for yourself all the time. But you can’t do anything else because that too is part of how it was for you so is part of your conditioning, and so you just have suffer the agony of feeling like your mind is constantly being torn apart.
But why don’t you feel it in the same way?
Because I wasn’t a boy who was brought up to believe that he had the power in the world and the power over women and the power do whatever he pleases. And because of that, it makes it even harder for you, for you are having to face and accept that you’re weak and pathetic and a failure and... and like a woman. And as you don’t want to be like a woman, not like a ‘girl’ - no, heaven forbid, so you’re refusing to let go and allow your feelings to guide you and be more in control as they are more so for women. That is unless they’ve trained themselves to be feeling-less and more like a man - shut off from his feelings.
So you reckon I’m going to be fighting it every step of the way - the whole process?
Yes, because that’s how you’ve been, it’s how you are, so I don’t see why not. It’s ingrained in you, you are it, it’s as I said how you are, so I would imagine you’ll be like that all the way to end.
But won’t I change as I go along and become progressively less like that?
I don’t know, that’s how one would think it would go, however based on everything and how it’s been and all we’ve been seeing, it probably will be the opposite to how we think it should or will be. So you’ll more than likely be as you are, being stripped back, right to the end, right until there is nothing more to stip.
Yeah well thanks for that, that’s something to look forward to. Great news, to think I’ll be setting the Guinness Book of Records for the longest mental breakdown. Fuck me, it’s too much Ann. I just don’t know... oh god I wish I would stop saying that.
But it’s all right for you to say that Terry if that’s how you feel, and you’ve to say it, you’ve got to keep bringing it out. And I don’t mind, it doesn’t bother me, and should it, then I will say so, that much you can count on me for.
Yes, so I know. And I’m slowly getting used to it. I feel a bit better now, it is good to be able to at least say it all, to let it out and get it off your chest. To admit to it being too hard, and to say that I can’t do it; yeah, like you said, when I believe I should be able to do it. But it is just so hard. So hard, and I don’t think I’ll ever get over it. Not only was I traumatised by how mum and dad treated me as I was growing up, but doing all this feels like I’m being traumatised all over again.
But you’re not Terry, it’s all the same trauma, you’re only getting in touch with it, you’re only connecting with it through your feelings. It is how you felt back then, and how you have always felt, only you’ve refused to see and feel it. You’re now choosing to have a true and proper relationship with it - with yourself, instead of a false and deluded one with a fantasy you.
Oh fuck Ann, you constantly amaze me, your grasp on it all, and it all sounds so right. You are definitely cut out for all of this shit. God, no way could I have done any of it without you. But I do understand all you’re saying, it all makes sense, it all fits in with all my feelings and all I’ve been through. So maybe that’s what I can know, all about all of this. Yes, maybe that’s where I can focus my mind.
I don’t think so Terry, I think you’d better want to keep trying to keep your mind out of it, and not give it just another thing to latch onto.
Yeah, you’re probably right. And I don’t want to do that anyway, the thought of it makes me feel even more tired than I’m feeling.
So Ann, I guess there’s nothing other than my keeping on going as you say. I can’t go back and I can’t stop it, so that’s about all I can do.
Yes, all we both can do. And see where it all leads to.
I can only see it leading to more pain, more horrible arguments with you, more bad feelings, tonnes of them, and more hell. I do wish it would end. But I can see that it probably never will, that’s probably the hidden catch to it, that being why so few other people want to do it. Because once you star submitting to the process, that’s it, it takes over sweeping you along with more and more bad feelings coming up all the time. Fuck I feel like I can hardly keep my head above water as it is - emotional water. God, the making money and work side of things is now a breeze and I hardly give it any thought compared to all of this I’m going through. And so where will it all end Ann?
Who knows Terry, but I guess we’ll see one day.
I sure fucking hope so!