It’s your turn now Ann, you speak about a bad feeling and see if you discover some truth about yourself.
But I don’t feel bad Terry, I feel happy that you are with me in it - I can’t just turn on a bad feeling.
All right then, what about talking more about your good feelings, like it says, we don’t just have to focus on the bad feelings.
Yes, good idea, all right, I’ll have a go... But I don’t know what to say. Gee it’s different when the focus is on you, when you are the one having to do it.
Do what you did to me, how you helped me.
How did I do that?
You ask me questions to encourage me, you asked me why I felt scared. So why do you feel happy?
Well, I feel happy because you’re giving it a go, you’re not saying it’s a dumb idea. And you’re not fighting me. So many things you resist me, and quite frankly, and I’ve never said this to you before Terry, it really gives me the shits about you, that you do. Actually, now that I’m thinking about it, it really pisses me off - ha!, now I’ve got a bad feeling I can talk about.
What happened to your good feeling, I liked that much better!
Of course you did Terry because I wasn’t criticising you.
And how did it get around to me, it was you speaking about your good feeling that we were doing.
You can’t control how you feel Terry, that’s how it is, it’s how it just happens.
How you do... and how do you know about this feeling thing anyway, you’ve only read what I’ve read, haven’t you?
No, I’ve read more, there’s more about it at other sites. But I don’t know, when you say things I just seem to know, it feels right, or it feels wrong what you say. I don’t think about it, I just react.
All right then, well at least that will help us, you knowing what we’re meant to do. So what about your good feeling, are you going to speak more about that? Aren’t you going to tell me how good I was seeing that I was scared, aren’t you going to say nice things about me?
Why Terry, is that what you want me to do, to keep saying you’re nice, to keep telling you, you are good. It sounds like that’s all you want, as long as I’m saying you’re good and telling you you’re good, then you’re happy and everything is good, and that’s it Terry, that’s exactly how our relationship is. Shit, I’ve not seen it in that light before, but that is just what it is. I have to keep telling you you’re good, and so you feel happy - I have to keep propping you up. And you do the same for me, by telling me you like or love me, telling me I look good, and how much you always want to have sex with me - how much you get turned on by me. God, and in saying that, I sound like I’m your mother, telling little Terry that he’s a good boy... “That’s good Terry, you’re a good boy Terry”.
Oh God, that’s what she does say to me, and you’re right, that’s how it does seem... and oh shit, I have to admit it again, that you’re right, I do want you to be how mum treats me always telling me I’m good.
So why do you think that is Terry, why do you need to always be told you’re good?
I don’t know... I think because then I will feel good. Yeah, that’s it, because I will feel good. It’s almost as if I need you to tell me that I’m good so I can feel good. Like I can’t just feel good myself. Shit, it’s the same at work. I’m always looking for the praise, from my customers, from Jim, yeah, shit, I can see it, it all makes sense.
And how do you feel about it Terry, about being that way?
Not good. No, I don’t like it. I don’t feel good at all. I feel bad in fact, very bad. I don’t like it because it means I’m always reliant on them, on someone else to tell me I’m good, so I feel good. I don’t have my own good feelings... so it would seem... na, it can’t be like that... can it?
So it’s all just words, and not really actual feelings.
I guess so. Yes, I think you’re right. Yes, the words come first, I need the praise, I need to be told I’m good, and then I feel good. And so that means, I only feel good if I’m told I’m good. I don’t, or can’t even, just feel good by itself, I mean, without having been told I’m good. I can’t just feel good. I can’t feel good in its own - in my own - right. So fuck me, now I don’t know if I’ve ever just felt good, just plain and simple good - good feelings, feel good. Or whether I have over all these years only ever felt good because I’m told I feel good. Oh Jesus Ann, this is a big thing for me. Oh shit, I feel like it’s turning my whole reality upside down. And oh god, I don’t know if I like this. It’s not good at all. I don’t feel good. Quick, tell me I feel good, so I can stop feeling bad!
All right then, we’ll see if what you say is right. Terry you are good, because you’ve just seen more truth about yourself, and as hard as it might be to see and accept about yourself, you have, you’ve not resisted or refused, you’ve not balked and closed off, shutting me out like you do so often. You’ve gone right with it, and look at what you’ve uncovered about yourself. And that gives me that happy feeling again, Terry, this feeling acceptance is simply amazing, look at how far we’ve come and we’ve only just started.
Jeez Ann, if it’s going to be like this all the time, shit... I don’t know.
But don’t you feel good about it now Terry, now that I’ve told you what a good boy you are?
No... not this time.