Terry, why didn’t you take it?
You were going to put it there - you always put it there.
Yes but you were there standing in front of me, so wouldn’t it have been easier for you just to take it from me, then you’d not have to stand there like some dolt and I’d not have wasted the energy.
I hate it when you call me a dolt or stupid.
But you are, it’s a stupid and silly thing to do. It’s meaningless, and if we’re in a relationship together surely we’re in it to help each other, to be connected, and in this case when I’m getting the things out of the fridge because we’re late and I haven’t done it already, so you could help me - don’t you think?
But what Terry?
But it’s what you do, you always do it, so I thought I’d just stand aside-
And be the good little boy who doesn’t get in the way, who just has to stand there like a moron while I struggle away; and as we both want dinner and as it’s late, surely we can break the rules for a moment, for one time, surely you can use your common sense, surely you can help me Terry, I don’t think that’s too much to ask - do you?
You make me feel so alone, like you don’t care about me, you’re not with me, you’re not connecting with me, not wanting to, not trying to, you’re off in your own little world and I may as well not exist. You act like you’re only a boarder, a visitor, someone who doesn’t know how things are done, not like you’ve been here living with me all these years and we’ve mostly done it the same way all the time. So I feel like I am alone, and that I’m wasting my time, because what’s it all for, being with you, when nothing seems to go in, you don’t seen to make it your business, the business of us working together as a team, as a functional unit.
But you like doing it your way.
Yes I do, and you like doing your things your way, so why then can’t you respect my way and still help me, just helping me to do it my way. You don’t have to wait until I’m telling you what to do, and I’m not your mother, and I don’t want to be your mother Terry. You are a grown man and yet sometimes you act like a little boy and one that’s scared of me, as if I’m going to yell at you and be nasty to you because you got in the way for a moment. But you know Terry, you can have a life too.
I know you’re right, I can see what you’re saying and it’s true, that is how I feel so much of the time with you in so many of things we do together. Like I am a little boy and I don’t want to be growled at to get out of the way and not to interfere, so it’s best if I just leave you to it, so I stand aside... and I hate being this way, I do, and I hate feeling like I am a moron and dolt, when you’re right - I am.
I can see it, if you did that to me I would feel as you feel and I’d think you were a moron, but the trouble is I don’t know that I’m even doing it. And I wish I did. You’re so aware of your feelings and so assertive in them, I’m not as I mostly blunder along, and it’s only with your help that I get anywhere.
And I feel so humiliated, I hate being so stupid, so in the way, so thinking I’m in the way, when I’m not, am I?
No. You’re not in the way when you help me, but you are when you just stand there out of the way. I want you to engage with me, to come in and not stand aside, not leave it all up to me, I want us both equally to participate in all that we do together. I don’t want you to treat me as if I’m the boss. What you do yourself when we are not together is up to you, but when we are, then it’s the two of us.
I feel so bad, so ashamed of how tragic I am, how pathetic, so stupid and so inept. I can’t bear feeling this way. And with all my other bullshit, feeling that I am competent, that I can do a job well and all of that-
Yes, but that’s mostly your work out in the world, out there were no one really takes much notice of all the little details like we do in an intimate relationship. And you’re only having superficial relationships and you’re not trying to get to the bottom of why you do and say all you do, how you are the ways you are all through uncovering the truth of your feelings. So that’s different, and yes, you are good at it, Geoff certainly seems to think so; but here with me, it’s completely different, we’re right here close together and this is where it all gets shown up as to how your parents have made it for you, how they made you be with them. And that’s what I’m helping to point out to you, but only because you want me to; no other men in my life have ever wanted to know, and mostly I’ve had to shut up and keep quiet for fear of them getting angry. But as you don’t get angry, even encouraging me to speak all I feel, so this is where it’s leading us to, right into the nitty-gritty of our relationship: why you move that way when you do; why you moved slightly aside and allowed me to put it on the plate when really it would have been better had you reached out to me, wanting to connect with me, wanting to show me we’re in it together, that you’re with me, thinking about what we’re doing, considering me, and so helping me, doing your part in it so it’s not all left up to me. I don’t want to the boss, the controller and dominator telling you or anyone always what to do. I don’t want to be like how our parents were to us, I want us to be equally together, fully our own separate functioning and feeling selves, but wholly united as one.
I do see what you mean, and that’s what I want too, if only I could be that way. Ah it gives me the shits how I am. And with you picking up more of these behaviours I have, and pointing them all out, fuck I feel more and more like you’re cutting me into pieces, like I’m being shredded, breaking down even more. I have to go out in the world to be sane.
To put on your work clothes and pretend you’re someone important and that you’ve got a life and can do it and make it in the world and be big boy Terry, when it’s at home in the intimate relationship we have where the truth of you is, and that’s what’s coming to light.
Yeah I know and fuck it makes me feel bad. I feel so humiliated as I said. I can see what you mean, and that I am so controlled and so robotic and unfeeling in it all. That I have learnt to be the good boy as you say, to stand out of the way, over to the side and not get in the way; and fuck I can hear mum in my head: ‘Now Terry, be a good boy and stand over there... now don’t get in my way, that’s a good boy, you just stand there, I’ll nearly be finished in a moment’, and stuff like that.
Oh God I hate feeling like I’m still just a little kid; I don’t want to be that kid, I want to grow up and be an adult; and be with you as you say, as that sounds good to me.
But you can’t grow up and just override it all Terry, that’s what you’ve tried to do all along, and as you can see, as we’re both seeing, it hasn’t worked, you are still good-boy little Terry standing there out of the way of his mother waiting for her next instruction.
AAAAHHHHHHHHH!, I hate feeling this way, I hate being how I am. I hate it, I hate, hate it hate it hate it, I hate it. I can’t stand it. I want to change. God please change me will you! I don’t want to be this way anymore.
I feel so sorry Ann, for fucking you around and making you feel so bad, so alone. All I want is for you to feel good, for us both to feel good - and loved.
I know Terry, but you can’t do it with your mind, you can’t put it on, we both know that. And we’re trying to get rid of all of that, we’re trying to just allow ourselves to be as we really are, and that means you have to allow yourself to be little Terry and to feel all the bad feelings you feel being him. And there’s nothing wrong about it, you can’t help it, they made you be as you are; and even though you give me the shits in so many ways how you are, I can understand and sympathise with you. And as I’ve said before, I don’t hate you the person Terry, just all the fucked ways you have of relating, all of which as I tell you make me feel unloved and unwanted and uncared about by you, the opposite of what I of course want.
Yes but I feel so bad, so bad for being so bad to you Ann. I don’t want to make things even harder for you than you already feel. I want to be the person you can count on and trust and know loves you.
Yes, but as I said Terry, you can’t contrive such feelings, they have to come naturally, and for that to happen you first have to fully become aware of and so accept how you really are, how you are in your patheticness, in your feelings of feeling powerless and useless. And you have to keep on expressing how being so pathetic makes you feel. So keep talking more about how humiliated and ashamed you feel, because you do, and that’s how your parents made you feel, so it’s all got to come out.
I hate how I am, that’s how I feel, like I should be put away, put behind bars, removed from society, all because I’m not right.
But you have to feel how and why you are not right, not just talk about it conceptually and mostly because it’s what I’ve pointed out to you. You’ve got to still get in touch with all the deeper underlying feelings as to why you feel like you’re going to be put away.
Yeah well that will take me another fifty years at this rate as I don’t even know what you mean.
I feel so bad, bad about myself, about how I am. I don’t want to be a useless nothing Terry person. I want to be good, and thought well of, and not looked at by everyone as if I’m a dolt. All my clients probably think I’m a dolt and so feel sorry for me and that’s why they keep buying the stuff I’m selling them. They probably don’t even want half of it, but they do it so as to keep me feeling happy, because they are all so nice and I’m so yuk. And what do I do for them, give them free samples every now and again, then just take their money. God I hate myself, I really do Ann, I can’t see what good there is in me. I should be shot, or put away and not let out, like a dog or animal that’s gone bad.
And I feel so bad feeling this way, I really do, I don’t want to be like this with everyone laughing at me behind my back, and then to my face they are all smiling, so it seems, with me. But they probably and must all think I’m an idiot - Idiot Terry, here he comes, now don’t let on that you know, just act like he’s a top bloke and when he’s gone we can all piss ourselves laughing about all the stupid things he said and did.
Yeah I can just imagine, and I feel like the whole world is laughing at me behind my back. Shit I hated it at school when the bullies did that to those boys they sucked in, playing up to one minute making them think they are liked and okay only to shit all over them behind their backs when they’d gone.
I mean, what a terrible thing to think you are liked and yet you’re scoffed at and are the laughing stock of the whole playground and you don’t even know. And the joke becomes bigger and bigger and everyone else is in on it except you and it’s all about you and you don’t even know - might never know. But you’d sense something wasn’t quite right, and... and what would you feel if and when you found out. Oh that would be so bad, the pits, I couldn’t face it, I’d feel so ashamed, disgraced beyond anything and I’ve to run away, and... and there I go again, Run Away Terry, RUN!, as fast as you can.
And I feel so humiliated, so ashamed that I’ll never be able to show my face again; and really I feel like killing myself, I am so hated, so despised, so much a yuk that no one likes and is the greatest stupid idiot that every lived. I’d hate it, and so I’m always scared that really behind my back that’s what all my clients are doing, laughing at me, and as much as I want to find out if that’s what they really are doing, I also don’t because I couldn’t bear having to face and accept the shame of it all. I’d have to drive off a cliff, and you know, I even think about those things as I drive along the coast. When I come to a corner right on the edge with a long way down, I think of those pictures, photographs of cars sailing off the cliff going down into the water or onto the rocks and smashing apart or blowing up and the people inside as to what they must feel on the way down. And I have it half in the back of my mind to keep that place in mind as it might come in handy when it all gets too much and I can’t go on and can’t face the ridicule and have to do it - go over the cliff.
You’ve never said anything like this before Terry, about you contemplating killing yourself.
Often I imagine doing it. I don’t know if I’d be able to do it, but the more I talk about all of this, the more I can see it as a possible reality. I mean, what would be so bad about it? It might be exhilarating on the way down, and all so long as I die and don’t just get all smashed up staying alive to live on in pain for the rest of my life - so why not? I mean they say that killing yourself is a bad thing to do, but is it? I don’t know, and maybe it’s not and who really cares anyway. And if you feel so bad, and all you can do is kill yourself to get rid of such agony, shit I can’t blame anyone for doing it.
To be laughed at, and by your own father who makes you feel like you’re dumb and a stupid idiot, really there’s not much point in living. I mean, what are you meant to do, tell him to shut up, to stop ridiculing you, that he’s upsetting you, that his constant teasing and picking on you and putting you down in front of everyone and them all laughing at you - fuck it, go for that cliff I say. Sailing out there into oblivion, into the darkness, into never feeling those terrible feelings ever again.
So if it ever got too bad and I couldn’t face it anymore, yep, I reckon I’d be heading for the coast road and just go for it. And who’d miss me? Mum and dad? Ha, their beloved child the one they loved so much beat them into spirit life, got there ahead of them, and so what, who cares, would they? I don’t think so. Oh they’d be upset of course, but it would probably more because of what the neighbours would say, as it doesn’t look good on your record having a failure son. But then they’d probably also say, well he never was much good anyway, he was always a dolt and a bit of an idiot, so really it’s to be expected.
I feel so miserable Ann, so unloved and being suspicious of everyone, never being able to know and then trust peoples genuineness, always looking for the signs of them being insincere and that it’s all just a leg over and a laugh on Terry.
I would love to just feel good and free within myself, to be able to accept people as they are; and if they are in such a bad state that they have to amuse themselves by humiliating me, well that’s what they’ve got to do. But not to feel affected by it.
But I think I’m a long way from that, a very long way. And you know Ann, I’ve never ever and would have never dreamed of ever admitting all this sort of stuff to anyone before.
I know, you’ve not said anything like it before.
I’ve kept it all secret, and even mostly from myself. But it’s slowly been awakening in me, and now I feel like I can’t hold it all in and I have enough trust and confidence in you that you won’t laugh at me, no matter how dumb or silly or stupid or bad I am. Nor will you go laughing behind my back to anyone, so I feel a little braver as to being able to speak about it.
But it’s been there always, all the way along, like a shadow there with me and one I have dearly wished I could get rid off; and in fact it’s even helped to motivate me doing all of this with you. When we first started reading about childhood repression and understanding what it was and how it got put in place, and then how to go about healing it, I thought that this was my only chance of really trying to get rid of all these bad parts of myself once and for all. So it was why I didn’t fight you on it or reject it or you outright, because secretly I hoped and prayed in a fashion that I might get helped, or be able to help myself.
Have you ever considered going to a professional therapist, a psychologist or someone about it?
I have, but I’d be too embarrassed, and I’d not know what to say to them. That I have these slight suicidal tendencies, and I’d like you to take them away please. I’ve never felt close to the edge, all I’m saying you understand is far back within me, I doubt I’d ever act on it, but nevertheless it’s still there. And so like all of this, it is about admitting it, owning up to it, coming out of my closet, out of my fantasy world.
Yes, it is good, very good Terry and the best thing you can do for yourself. And I like that you feel you can trust me and feel safe with me.
Safe, yes, that’s the word, I do feel safe with you Ann and more so lately as you’ve been more forthcoming with all your stuff and helping me to gain a better understanding of you. It really is bearing your soul isn’t it, bringing all the hidden yuk out, all ones secrets, and even secrets you don’t even consider are secrets but still are hidden away inside you.
I feel a bit better now having spoken about it all, and particularly because you’ve not laughed at me, have not put my down. That’s what I hate the most, being put down, made to feel very small, and of no worth, no account - yes, as you’ve often said about yourself.
But with you I do feel safe, and now I can also see and admit that I never felt really safe with mum and dad. I did more so with mum, but with dad there was always an edge. And I’ve always hated - but never admitted this either, that I hated mum for not sticking up for me against dad and for not telling him to back off, to lay off and that he was out of line. She never went against him, so I feel she’s as bad as him in many ways, so they’re both on the same side united against me. When you say you want me to unite with you, dearly I would love to, but I can see that I’m resisting being close and together, because I don’t want to be like mum and dad. And I know your being together is not the same as there’s, still that way is dominant in me. And that really pisses me off.
They’ve ruined any chance of me having a close and true relationship. I can see that too now. I can’t be close to you because I was never close to them; they were never close to me. And when someone is humiliating you and laughing at you, you don’t feel loved by them, you don’t feel you want to love them, you don’t feel close. And I can see how I’ve not wanted to accept these bad feelings, covering them all up with my belief that I am all right and that they do love and respect me. But now that those false crap beliefs are falling away it doesn’t leave anything but the truth.
And they didn’t love me, they don’t love me, they never really have. They might have loved me in their ways, but what is that, love from people who are themselves fucked and who feel unloved by their parents. More and more the whole love thing sucks. I don’t know what to think about any of it anymore. I’m still sure some people must have had more loving and genuine loving relationships with their parents and must feel good in themselves, and yet if we’re all in a negative anti love and truth state, then what can this love be.
Anyway, I feel rat-shit, so miserable, but not like I want to kill myself. I don’t want to kill myself when I feel these bad feelings only when I feel shamed and can’t bear to face it.
Well you must try and keep being brave Terry by speaking about all the bad stuff, and any time you feel it in the slightest way stop and we’ll speak about it.
I do want to, and I will try, but it’s so hard. As I said, the feelings are so faint in me, I’ve kept them away and keep them suppressed so heavily, but I’ll be more on the lookout for them. I would like to get the point of being able to drive along that road and not think about plunging over the side at every hairpin turn on each headland.
Maybe we should go for a drive and you can tell me about your thoughts, how they go as we drive along. You can sort of act it out and see what comes.
Yeah, I’d like to give it a go, you never know, it might help me get more in touch with it. And I am fascinated with it, that’s something too I haven’t admitted. It’s like a game of dare I’m playing inside myself. Do I dare going over today, am I brave enough - that sort of thing. But as I said, these things only go on in the background, they are never really up in the forefront of my mind.
I understand, and that’s why I suggested we go and you talk about all you feel and think trying to bring it more forward in you.
Yeah, all right, I would like to give it a go. How about we do it on Saturday?