When you feel yuk, angry, miserable, whatever the yuk feeling is, or even just yuk, it not being defined, and nothing else, keep saying what you feel, no matter how difficult it is. It’s all repressed emotion gumming up the works, so the more you can bring out the more it will unblock things within you, even if you don’t actually uncover any truth. And it will help your relationship with your partner and everyone else in the world.
Ann is feeling yukky.
Terry, I feel bad, yuk, I don’t know what I feel, yukky.
What sort of yukky?
I don’t know, just yuk, bad, bad, yuk, yuk, yuk, bad, I feel full of it, like I can’t move, I’m all gummed up. I feel so bad, anger I think it is, but I don’t know what I feel angry about. Angry, angry, angry, I feel angry, yuuuukkkkkkk, yuuuuuukkkkkkk, I feel yuk. Angry, I feel angry, angry about everything, angry that I feel so yuk, but I can’t go anywhere with it, it’s not a clear emotion or feeling within me. Yuk, yuuuuukkkky, I feel yuk, bad, bad, bad, very bad, down, heavy, bad. I don’t want to do anything, can’t do anything, bad, bad, yuk, yuk... I don’t even want to say anything.
Do you feel miserable, is it making you feel miserable?
I don’t know, yes, miserable... just bad, just yuk about everything, myself, my life, nothing really making me feel good, yuk, yuk, yuk, angry, angry...
Even if you can’t say anything other than moan or just repeat the same feeling word - keep saying it.
Angry, angry, aaaannnngggrrrryyyyy, angry, aaaaannnnggggrrrryyyy, aaaannnnggggrrryyyy, angry, angry, I feel angry, yuk, yuk, bad, I feel bad, I don’t know what I feel...
And give up, say you don’t know, as you’re not supposed to know. And it’s okay to admit you don’t know, it’s good to say you don’t know, it’s letting go of the control. So just keep going expressing the emotion of it, saying how it’s making you feel - how you do feel, say it with the feeling of how your feeling.
Yuuuukkkkkk, yyyyuuukkkk, I feel yuk - YUK, YUK, YUK, YUK, I feel yuk, I am yuk - yuk, yuukkkkk. Bad, I feel so bad, I can’t actually say how I feel, I don’t know, I can’t get it, it’s not clear, just yuk, down, grungy, uninspired, flat, weak, nothing, yuk, yuk, yuk, I feel so yuk Terry, you know, just yuk-
Yukkkkk, yyyuuuukkkkkkkyyyyyyy, I feel yuk, nothing, I don’t know what I feel, just this - yuk, bad, angry again at feeling this way and not being able to feel it more clearly. Angry that it’s not clear, that it’s not up in me strongly, that it’s all so vague; angry, angry, angry, aaaannnngggggrrrrryyyyyyy, angry, yuk, nothing, I don’t know...
And do you think you should know?
I don’t know, I don’t know about anything - I just feel yukkkky, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, and sick of saying the same fucking word - why won’t it go anywhere else! Why can’t I feel any other feeling! What’s happening to me, I feel stuck, I can’t get anywhere with it... Yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk... Oh really Terry, it’s giving me the shits, I want to give up, but I know I should keep going, as it said in that book, to keep going until you no longer feel the bad feeling.
It said to try and keep going, that’s all you can do. If there is nothing else, if you can’t go anywhere else with it, then I guess that’s all it’s meant to be, as you’re doing, just keep saying what you are, I don’t mind if you sound like a moron saying YUK, YUK, YUK, all day long.
Oh thanks very much Terry, but you’re not the one feeling like shit.
Bad, I feel really bad, lousy, bad, yuk, yuk, so depressed, yuk, miserable about feeling this way; and I feel like I’ll never feel any different, I’ll never feel good again, always yuk, always like this, and that even scares me Terry; yes, now I feel a little more sure of the feelings, scared, scared that I’ll never feel good and better again. Yuk, yuk, bad, I feel scared that I’m feeling like this and nothing seems to change. I feel scared but that’s only for a moment then I feel bad again, the same yuk feeling that I don’t know what it is.
Yuk, yuk, yuk, bad, bad, I feel bad, yuk, yuk, yuk, yuk, fuck when will it ever end, I’m sick of this Terry, who said this feeling expressing thing was good fun-
Not me, not good fun, bad, bad, yuk, very yuk, not fun at all. But keep going Annie, you’re doing very well if you ask me, I can’t do it like you can.
Thanks Terry, it’s great to have your support, it does help, you know?; it helps so much to know you are there for me. I know I’ve talked about it before, but it does, and more so, more and more. And every time it comes up I feel how much I appreciate you being there and supporting me, wanting me to keep going and not telling me to shut up, and you’re not blocking me out and going on with something of your own to do, you just seem to be happy sitting there listening to me morking on about how yuk, yuk, yuk I feel.
I think it’s all very important Ann, for you - for us both - to bring out as much of it as we can when we feel bad. Even if it’s nothing more than how you’re doing it now, just going on and on unable to say anything else than just one word. If it’s all trapped within us and does all have to come out, then as far as I can see there’s only one way for that to happen, and that’s to open your mouth and let it come out, even force it if you have to.
Yes, but it’s so dam hard when there’s no really hard concrete feeling pushing up saying express me like they do, and you can’t keep your mouth shut even if you wanted to, having decided that you do want to try and express every bad feeling you feel. But when it feels so nebulous, just this vague, down, nothing, slightly miserable but not quite, yuk, bad, nondescript feeling... it’s so much harder.
And for all we know Ann there might be lots of this sort of nothing feeling in us both, we might have to spend days, years just doing what you’re doing.
Yes, god forbid, I’ve thought that too, but I DON’T WANT TO, I DON’T WANT TO HAVE KEEP FEELING THIS WAY!
How do you actually feel feeling like this?
Oh I feel so dead, as if I’m dying or are dead, and I’m just an undefined nothing person, just a yuk feeling, like it’s a fog of haze or something like that and I’m it; it’s thick and gooey, but that’s about it; like it’s just a dross energy that’s not only in me but all around me - that IS me, I’m it, and I can’t get any definition, I just feel bad, bad, bad, yuk, yuk, yuk, nothing but bad and yuk, bad and yuk, bad and yuk, like a fucking cracked record: bad and yuk, bad and yuk, bad and yuk, bad and yuk, god I feel like such a moron repeating myself over and over-
Why do you feel like a moron?
Because I’m not saying anything, and ‘if you’ve not got anything worthwhile to say then don’t say it’. Shit! That’s what dad used to say all the time. And, ‘if you can’t say it properly, then don’t say it, don’t say anything’. Yes, that’s what he used to say all the time. And now remembering that makes me feel so bad - angry, yes I feel very angry with him, for what does he mean, and what right does he have to say that, the fucking shit, shit that gives me the shits.
I feel so fucking angry with him, his always having to be the controller telling everyone - telling me: how I should be, what I should say, what I shouldn’t say, when I can and can’t say things, how to be, how I can and can’t be. Fuck I hated all of that, so bloody controlling, he was so fucking controlling, they both were, mum was too in her way.
AARRGGGHHHHH! Now I feel like I’m getting somewhere Terry, now I feel like I could scream the roof down; I want to scream, so I will scream, put your fucking fingers in your ears Terry and fuck what the neighbours think: YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE YOU HAVE NO RIGHT TO TREAT ME LIKE THAT. WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU BASTARD, CONTROLLING ME LIKE THAT, NOT ALLOWING ME TO BE FREE TO BE HOW I WANT TO BE. YOU FUCK, I HATE YOU, I REALLY HATE YOU AND I NEVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN. I HATE YOU WITH ALL MY SOUL, WITH MY WHOLE BODY, MY WHOLE SELF, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU, I HATE YOU - DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, I HATE YOU!!!!!!!!
Fuck me ANN, you’ve never been like that in our relationship before.
Yes, well I’m always meant to be ‘little miss good girl’, always minding my ps and qs, and not swearing, ‘No we won’t have any of that language around hear young lady, DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME!?’ YES I FUCKING WELL UNDERSTAND YOU, YOU FUCK, AND FUCK YOU, YOU SHIT; YOU FUCKING ARSEHOLE CUNT SHIT-FUCK BASTARD SON OF A BITCH CUNT-FACE SHIT-FACE FUCKER COCK - FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!! If I want to swear I fucking well will and you can’t stop me you fucking shit, because who the fuck do you think you are. You have no right over me dad, you don’t, no fucking right, and you had no fucking right to control me as you did, always making me behave like a ‘little fucking lady’; yes well she can fuck right off as you can too. I hate you and I’m never going to do as you say, NEVER AGAIN - DO YOU FUCKING HEAR ME, NEVER!!!!!!!!!
Fuck Terry, my throat feels like I’ve half-ripped it out, it’s flaming, it’s probably red-raw and I’ll never be able to speak again, or I’ll have to speak in a whisper for the rest of the fucking week.
It’s all right by me love.
And you don’t mind me yelling and screaming like that? If doesn’t make you feel bad?
No, at first I felt a little scared, and like, shit, what will the neighbours think, and that they’ll probably think you’re yelling at me, and so they’ll all look at me strangely like I’ve been beating you up or something and our relationship isn’t all hunky-dory like we’ve made them believe it is. But then I thought, in the spirit of it, you know, ah fuck them, and fuck everyone, why can’t we yell and scream in our house if we want to. Fuck it’s not as if we’re all perfect, everyone needs a good row every now and again, so keep going Annie, it’s all fine by me. Scream your lungs out of that’s what you feel you want to do. Scream the whole fucking house down!
Yes well thank you Terry again for being so totally on my side. Fuck you have no idea how good that makes me feel. You supporting me and not being like my father was and telling me off, you not trying to make me shut up because I will upset and disturb everyone. We had to always put on the good front for the world, so the neighbours thought well of us, and we always looked down on those lesser moron retards who were always yelling and fighting with the whole neighbourhood being able - having - to hear them. So yes, fuck them, and fuck dad and fuck everyone. At least I feel a bit better about it all now, I don’t have that fucking awful yuk feeling anymore, I just feel fucking angry still. Thank you Terry for your help, for being there with me right through it - fuck that was a big thing!
Ann is very fortunate in having Terry being so supportive. I wish I had been as he is with Marion. Whenever Marion raised her voice I’d start to feel very scared and do all I could to shut her up. I wasn’t allowed to be angry, and I hated mum being angry and she was always angry so it seemed to me. I couldn’t fight back, I couldn’t express any of my fear, I was just trapped having to take it all, keeping my head down and hoping it wouldn’t be too bad. So at all times raising ones voice is to be avoided at all costs. And Marion has longed to have someone as supportive as Terry is for Ann. She’s always felt alone with no one on her side, no one willing to listen to her and no one wanting to understand all she was feeling and suffering. And gradually over the years I’ve slowly been able to accept that someone can be angry and express all their rage, and even at me, and that it’s not going to be, nor is it, the end of the world for me. I’m not going to get a brick in the face like I did when I was young, the world is not going to come crashing down, mum is not going to be taken away - a demented enraged screaming out-of-control banshee; that it’s just emotion and we’re all entitled to be free to express all we feel. At least we all should be entitled to do it and free enough within ourselves to go for it if that’s how we feel.